Mary Anne Mohanraj
I think the comparison to FLDS is dangerous. One of the KEY components to me of polyamory is that it’s freely chosen. That is, I suspect you would support Kavi if she chose to be monogamous. What I read about the FLDS from the woman who managed to escape was very much not freely chosen. Boys are driven out of the society in order to keep the women-to-men ratio high. “lost boys”
And girls are not allowed to choose their husbands or when/if they married…
My understanding, too, was that the polygamy itself was well-known and tolerated by the police and other authorities.
I’m surprised, too, by the “don’t worry be happy” tone of the comments. I think that being different from mainstream is difficult for a child, and most Jewish parents would attest to the pressure to celebrate Christmas. It seems difficult to explain your lifestyle to a child at the age-appropriate time because she will notice that things are different before she is intellectually capable of understanding the reasons for the choice. Unless, that is, you make a strong effort to hide that difference.
Kids deal, but some also spend a lot of effort fighting that difference, effort that might be productively spent on their own development. I feel fortunate to have arrived at adulthood at a time when being different was acceptable and even interesting.
I wish you luck.
You get into tricky territory with the choice argument — after all, my parents had an arranged marriage. That wasn’t chosen, or at least, not in the same way that love marriages are. But it *was* consented to.
As long as the girls are of legal age, and are aware that they have the option of not consenting (even if it may mean being excommunicated from their church and ostracized by their entire family), it’d be hard to argue that there was anything morally wrong with their consenting to what is essentially an arranged marriage.
Not my thing, and not something I’d want for Kavi — but then, there’s all sorts of things I wouldn’t want for Kavi, like taking her husband’s last name, that various friends of mine have freely decided to do, but which I find very problematic. Free choice is the key, and the ability to walk away. Which, legally and practically, these girls would have had a very hard time doing in the Texas situation.
As for the ‘don’t worry’ — I don’t think they were saying don’t worry, for the most part. In fact, I think several explicitly said that of course I would worry. But they were saying that a) there wasn’t anything actually morally wrong with poly, and b) that she would almost certainly recover from any social stigma. Which, you know, kids with gay parents, or interracial parents (in a more homogenous community) also have to deal with.
I actually kind of think being different generally does contribute productively to one’s own development, personally. It certainly did for me. 🙂
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