So, I’m down in…

So, I'm down in Mountainview, working at Jed's. I'll be here until we go to Portland, sometime next week. Being here is good. Strange Horizons has a new issue up and looks fabulous -- it did last week too. Work is satisfying and lovely.

Not so lovely is some news of mine, which I've been a bit hesitant to talk about. Kevin and I broke up last week. I'm honestly not quite sure what that means -- we've broken up before, several times, and clearly those didn't 'stick'. Dunno if this one will. It feels a bit different than the others, though, so maybe. We still love each other like crazy -- I'm still astonished that it's possible to love someone this much -- but we've had a very hard time trying to figure out how to make our future needs mesh (living together, kids, home city, etc.) We've been working on it for several years now, off and on, and even though we're both pretty bright, we haven't been able to figure out a solution yet. There have been lots of conversations lately which mostly consisted of us alternating saying -- "There has *got* to be a way we can make this work...this is nuts!" But however many times we say that, it doesn't seem to bring us closer to a solution.

Anyway. I'm not really feeling up to talking about all this at length. I'm fairly sad these days, when I'm not working or busy distracting myself with social stuff. I'm very glad to be in California instead of Salt Lake right now. Lots of good people and good support. Kevin left yesterday for a month of math in France; maybe the enforced quiet will give us both clear heads in which we can figure out a better solution. If not, I guess this one will stand. It's hard to say, though -- I have to keep resisting the urge to write him e-mail saying, "Wait -- I've changed my mind." It's all such a big muddle.

No letters of support, please. I'm emotionally exhausted, and if you write telling me how sorry you are, it'll just make me cry. Take it as understood, please. Thanks.

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