I'm sad and tense and sleepless, even though I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because:
- we have to do this stupid extra move
- Kevin took the suitcase with my pyjamas and clean clothes for tomorrow over to the new house when I wasn't paying attention
- all the blankets are packed except for the one on the bed, and Kevin is there sleeping and I'm downstairs on Anand duty because I can't sleep so I might as well be taking care of him and I'm freezing because we had the AC on high for the move and even though I've turned it off I'm still cold and so I'm wrapped in a moving blanket which is stiff and I don't even want to think about where it's been
- Anand still isn't close to sleeping through the night -- he's up every few hours, often screaming, gas problems I think (which wakes me and Kavi up, because this house is small), and which has kept Kevin on a swing shift schedule
- and as a result I feel like I spend my days trying to do all these household tasks alone
- and I'm so behind on my varied and sundry commitments and not catching up the way I expected to this summer; in fact, I'm falling further behind, and if there's anyone reading this whom I owe stuff to, I'm really sorry and I'll get to it as soon as I can, I swear
- and the Village is getting complaints about our front yard which isn't mowed and why we haven't just mowed it is a whole 'nother long story and post, but suffice it to say that I'm working on it, dammit, and it's a lot of labor and time and I am going as fast as I can so whichever of our neighbors keeps calling in complaints just stop already, okay?
- and the back yard is a serious disaster, because we had Pam cut down the tree-of-heaven, and neither we nor she realized that meant it would send up gazillion suckers, and now three-quarters of our backyard is covered in tree-of-heaven shoots which are already knee high and the movers said it looks like a jungle, ha ha, and I'm not at all sure I can fix this problem and thinking about it makes me utterly panicked and feel like all I've done to my house and yard in the last eight months is wreck it
- and I am aching to write and there just isn't time
- and I haven't had any decent alone time with Kevin in months, it feels like
- and I'm dreading both the family reunion in St. Louis next week, and my sister's wedding in New York at the end of July, just because I'm expecting the travel to both and managing the kids to be so awful and exhausting
- etc. and so on
I have so many good things in my life. I should be happy. People would kill to have what I have.
Beautiful house, although not yet, and not for at least half a year to come. Beautiful, sweet, funny kids, one of whom won't sleep, which can't be good for him. And Kavi's going to start pre-school in a week or two, which means that I'm going to see a lot less of her than when she was home with the nanny and I could just wander in and out in between bits of work. And she's totally ready for it and bored at home, but I miss her already, and feel like I've wasted much of the last year when I should have been spending time with her and enjoying her and instead have been freaking out about stupid stuff instead. Great partner whom I love madly, but whom I never see, and so it's hard to even remember that I love him these days. Work I love, but which I don't get to do nearly enough to keep me sane.
Also, all the stress is making me gain weight and break out in deeply irritating acne. Joy. I feel ugly. And I'm supposed to look beautiful by the end of July because I'm in the wedding.
I keep wondering what I'm doing wrong, that I'm making it all so hard. I feel like I should give something up, but I can't think of anything to give up that won't make it all worse.
I don't even think quitting the internet would fix things.