In other news, I had a huge meltdown Sunday night about how fat I'm getting. I know, I know, I'm pregnant, not fat. Kevin told me that several times. But I'm at that stage of pregnancy where I'm not obviously and clearly pregnant yet, especially if I'm not wearing an empire-waist top. I don't look pregnant most of the time. But my jeans don't fit when they're right out of the wash -- I can't even get them zipped up, not at all -- and my shirts and sweaters gape 'cause my breasts are bigger. And speaking of breasts, my modest little DD's are now apparently J's (!!!), according to the lady in the fancy bra shop, and all my old bras clearly don't fit, but my new bras which ought to fit are already (a month after buying them) tight in the band, so I need to take them in to get them adjusted (the only good thing about $100 bras is the lifetime warranty). Big pain. Plus, I carefully saved most of my maternity clothes from last time, only to find that since I started out twenty pounds heavier than last time (thanks, Miss Kavya!), most of them don't actually fit this time around. All of which is incredibly disheartening.
Also, my damn face is constantly breaking out in pimples all through this pregnancy -- I don't remember that happening last time, or at least not to this extent, and I didn't get pimples as a teen, and I have no idea what to do about them aside from washing my face frequently, which doesn't seem to be helping. I have like six pimples on my face at the moment, including three on my damn nose, and I do not feel pretty!!! I have a dermatologist appt. tomorrow, because I also have these weird patches of dry skin on my face since getting pregnant, which are itchy and annoying, and maybe he will be helpful. But I am also happy to hear any other pimple advice.
In any case, total meltdown on Sunday -- describing my sobbing as 'hysterical' would not be too extreme. Poor Kevin. I'm mostly feeling better now; it helped that yesterday I took an hour to stop by Vive Le Femme, a plus-size store down the block, and found three cute tops, two of which I can actually teach in and look nice, and one of which is just super-comfy (which becomes a priority during pregnancy). It felt a bit weird going into a plus-size store, since I was a size 12 pre-pregnancy, which in theory means I should be able to shop in regular stores. But my breasts apparently disagree with that assessment. We have very cute boutique-y maternity stores (which I can't really afford, but that's a separate issue) in my neighborhood, but it's totally disheartening trying to shop there, as almost nothing fits. What I guess I'd really like is a plus-size maternity store, but I don't know of any in Chicago. I guess there must be some online, but that sounds like a lot of effort.
It doesn't help that we're driving to CT on Thursday and will see all the relatives at my cousin's first communion party. Kavi has an adorable dress (yellow and pink with a green ribbon, very spring) and will look fabulous. But the aunties will all be looking at me, trying to see if I actually look pregnant yet, and I would like to look similarly fabulous, but I'm not seeing it happening. Sigh.
Ah well. I'll go and get the new bras adjusted, and wear my cute new tops, and maybe stop by Target for some cheap maternity clothes, and get my eyebrows done and my hair styled, so at least I feel vaguely groomed for the party. That should help me get through the next few weeks, at least. Maybe in another month, I'll be clearly and obviously pregnant when I look in the mirror, and I won't be quite so prone to freaking out at how fat I've apparently gotten.
I spent a while this morning reading a fascinating summary of the Minnesota Starvation Study, which found that putting forty healthy and fit men on serious calorie restriction made them crazy. I'm not calorie restricting at all, of course (every doctor I know + internet says never diet while pregnant). Trying to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and good proteins and the like, but as much of them as my body wants. So it's not hunger making me crazy. Apparently, I can manage to be crazy about my weight even while eating in a way that I know is healthy and appropriate. Sigh.
At least I finally feel well enough (almost at four months in now) that I have a bit of energy for exercising -- I started doing yoga again yesterday, in a very mild way. Maybe that will help too.