I really am sorry about…

I really am sorry about all the to-do lists. Especially considering this:

"We get our ideas from what Im going to call for a moment our unconscious  the part of our mind that goes on working, for example, when were asleep. So what Im saying is that if you get into the right mood, then your mode of thinking will become much more creative. But if youre racing around all day, ticking things off a list, looking at your watch, making phone calls and generally just keeping all the balls in the air, you are not going to have any creative ideas.

~ John Cleese

I'm no longer dropping balls (hooray! WAY too much of that in the last four years), but I am still quite busy. That should ease up dramatically after this week. This week, the kids' school is on break. (Why does a pre-school / daycare have breaks? I suppose so the teachers don't shoot themselves. Nonetheless, challenging for us.) Next week, the kids go back to full five-day-a-week care. I'm expecting we'll have some resistance from them; they've been on a lackadaisical three-day-a-week schedule all summer. When we send them back to the salt mines of scheduled play and rigorous art and yoga class (yes, my children have yoga at their preschool / daycare, even though we picked one of the cheapest in the area, which I suppose tells you something about the area), I think we can expect some extra tears at drop-off for a few days, and some bitching, oops, I mean whining, post-preschool as well.

All of which I will take, hard-heartedly, for the sweet, sweet promise of three solid days a week to work (plus two days of teaching). I think I'm well enough prepared for this semester that I can knock out the admin and class prep/grading in 3-4 hours a day, which leaves me...12-15 solid hours a week to write? That seems hard to believe. What luxury! (If I write roughly a thousand words an hour, that means there's no reason I can't write a new short story every week. If I can think of one, that is. See Cleese above.) I'm going to have to be careful not to let house stuff creep into there; I have to just remind myself that all these people with 9 to 5 jobs somehow manage to get the groceries bought, the dinner cooked, the dishes done, and even occasionally clean out a closet. If they can do their household work on evenings and weekends, so can we, right?

Part of it, is that writing feels like a luxury, an optional thing, like my knitting. Sometimes I have to remind myself that no, writing is my profession, my vocation, the love of my life. (Yes, I am fond of Kev and Jed and the kiddies too, but seriously, folks...) And if I don't make space for it, if I fill up my life with "racing around all day, ticking things off a list, looking at [my] watch, making phone calls and generally just keeping all the balls in the air" -- well, the writing just won't happen.

It's 8 p.m. now. Do I do the dishes and straighten up? (Kev is out getting us groceries.) Or do I write?

I'll probably go for housework, which is okay, because my brain isn't so good at this hour. And then I'll set my alarm for 5 tomorrow, and have a clean space when I wake up, and maybe get something done in the morning. More likely admin / class prep than writing, but the writing will come. Next week, I promise. (My love, wait for me. I know I've been faithless, but with love comes forgiveness, right? Right???)

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