So I’m feeling weird…

So I'm feeling weird about the whole nanny-share, full-time care thing we're starting in January. Did I explain this properly to y'all? The problem has been that we've found this semester that the 3.5 days of care we currently have (8-5 MWF, 9-1 Sat), is basically enough to cover our teaching responsibilities (prep, teach, grade), admin work (mostly Kevin's, although I have some DesiLit/SLF stuff), and household needs. But it leaves no time for math research or writing fiction. I've squeezed out a bit of time here and there, as has Kevin, but we're both really starting to feel the need for more time. Hence, turning to a nanny-share so we can afford full-time care (probably 8-4 M-F). We like the other family, and I think this will work relatively smoothly. So that's all good.

But.

Kavi's really getting to be so much more fun these days. She takes enough attention that you can't really write or do math while you're watching her (unlike being able to write with an infant strapped to your body, which I did manage to do on occasion). But you don't mind not working while you're with her, because she totally has a personality now, and it's a delightful, charming, fun, and very playful personality. We're having a blast playing with Kavi lately, whether it's lying down on the floor and matching cards with her, building block towers, fitting together wood puzzles, singing songs (she comes in on the choruses, missing a few consonants, "esss ee an!!!"), dancing to the music, reading books together, or the new favorite, jumping on the furniture. (I'm afraid I taught her to do that Saturday night. That probably makes me a bad parent. But the look of stunned delight on Kavi's face when she saw Mama jumping up and down on the couch, ook'ing like a crazed monkey, made our future destroyed couch springs totally worth it.)

So while we really do want to work -- we miss our work! -- we're also both suddenly fretting about how much we'll miss hanging out with her. On weekdays, we'll see her for 1-2 hrs in the morning, and then 2-3 hours in the afternoon/early evening. (Even less for Kevin, who usually misses the mornings.) That's hardly anything. It's making us fret.

I do think it'll be okay; next semester I teach T/Th, so I'm planning on working at home in the mornings MWF. Which means I can come down and have lunch with Kavi at least, and you know that at least some days, lunch will be lingering. And Kevin's only teaching one evening a week next semester, and while he does have to go in for a lot of meetings during the days, he can also mostly be at home if he wants. It'll be okay. Still, weird. Plus a bit of mommy-guilt at least (not sure if Kevin feels it), that I'm choosing to go off to work when I don't, strictly speaking, have to...

Unless, of course, I want to ever actually finish writing another book.

Full-time childcare is probably going to be a relief, and one that will only increase as she gets older. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.