- Kavi wakes me up at night. Or I don't sleep well for some other reason. Or I just wake up in a cranky mood for no god reason.
- I move slowly through the morning. I'm slow and inefficient about getting things done -- I manage to clean and dress and feed the baby, but not much else while she's awake. I sit in front of the tv. I look at catalogues for things I don't need. I don't even pick up my crocheting.
- When she goes down for her nap, I really need to use the time for eating breakfast, putting away dishes. By the time I finish all that, she's waking up again, and I haven't gotten any work done.
- I'm now in an even worse mood, because I'm frustrated with myself for being such a slacker and wasting part of the day. You would think this would spur me to get work done, but no. Instead, I watch some more tv. Usually ER re-runs.
- Afternoon nap, repeat.
- By the time Kevin comes home, I am thorougly sick of myself, and pretty tired of Kavi too, even though she's been a perfectly good baby. I hand her off to him before he even gets his coat off. He's tired from a long day in the office, so is not necessarily thrilled about this, but takes her, because he can see that I'm about to snap.
- Surely now I'll use Kevin's arrival to get some real work done, maybe at least churn through some backlogged e-mail, or do a cleaning project, or actually, maybe, write? But no. I curl up in my chair and re-read some Miles Vorkosigan. I live vicariously through his accomplishments. Sure, I could save a planet full of people. All I need is some real sleep!
- We put Kavi to bed, and I have one more hour when I could accomplish something. But I now feel like I've wasted an entire day, so I either sullenly read some more, or, if this pattern has gone on for a few days, I have a meltdown and bawl all over Kevin. Poor Kevin pats my back and tells me it will get better. I tell him I'm not mad at him, or Kavi -- I'm mad at myself for being such a lazy weak-willed procrastinating slacker. He pats my back some more. Eventually, I realize this is cutting into my sleep time and I send him away and try to get to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be bettter.
This isn't just a baby thing either, by the way -- I've done this for years and years, probably since college. The evil procrastination pattern, that ends up making you sick of yourself. But it's true that since we had Kavi, there's a feeling that I have less time that I can afford to waste, so the frustrated feelings seem to come on a lot faster.
Any advice would be appreciated. Or you could just tell me that you do this too...