Feeling a little anxious…

Feeling a little anxious because it seems like I have a lot to do today and limited time to do it. Yesterday I was just wiped after novel revisions and exercise -- no energy to work on story. So I sent Duncan a note that said, "When you said drop-dead deadline Monday, you meant midnight Monday, right? Jeez, I sound like my students..." And he wrote back [laughing] and said Tuesday morning was fine. Which of course meant that instead of staying up all night revising, I went to sleep at ten.

Well, actually, first I had a minor meltdown about dieting and exercise and lack of progress on the scale -- gods, I know I need to be more conscious about what I eat and how much I exercise, in order to build healthier patterns for my life overall, but I'll be really glad when these patterns actually do become somewhat automatic, so I don't have to be thinking about it constantly, because one effect is to make me really self-conscious and focused on the flaws in my body all the damn time. I can barely look into a mirror these days; I just feel repulsive. Which is ridiculous. Ugh. Note: For sweeties of those in a similar position to mine, the fact that Kevin thinks I'm beautiful now, not just minus ten or twenty pounds from now, is one of the few things keeping me from utter despair. That and the recent Dove "real curves" ads, even if they are for firming cream, which I suspect is a fundamentally silly product.

Anyway, it's daytime now and I'm in a better headspace, so will hopefully be able to concentrate on revisions. I'm going to have tea and a little quiet reading on the deck among the flowers, and then will work on revisions from 7:30 'til 11:00, when Lakshmi comes by for a workout. Hopefully that'll be enough time. If not, well, I guess I keep going in the afternoon, but I'd really like to have the afternoon for dealing with paperwork, e-mail, and errands. Kev and I fly out around dinnertime tonight to the Bay Area; I'll be back in Chicago on Sunday.