I spent a while on the…

I spent a while on the phone with Jed last night, the first chance he's had to really talk since all this happened. Oof. It's not just bad, it's all kind of worlds of bad. I'm still having a hard time taking it in. I don't even want to use the 'm' word -- it feels so extreme, so over-the-top. But that's what this is; I've just never been so close to a murder before. I imagine most people haven't. I also feel guilty that I'm not there with him, but Jed said there was no need when I offered before, and again last night. He seems okay, if understandably weepy. Coping way better than I would -- I would have taken to my bed for a month, I suspect, and just cried. I'm glad I'll see Jed soon -- being away during all of this is making me feel like a bad sweetie, even if he says it's okay. I'm sure in some ways it's a bit easier, actually, just having one of his sweeties there with all the extended family around; they don't need to try to deal with the concept of polyamory in the midst of all this. But still.

On the housing front, we may make an offer today -- we're not sure. Kev and I have talked so many hours about this decision, considering every possible ramification, every pro and con, that it makes it actually harder to think about it, for me, anyway. You know the Myers-Briggs test, the P/J category? (This won't mean anything to those of you who aren't familiar with the test, I'm afraid, but for those who are...) Kevin is way P, all the way at the end. I am way J, all the way at the opposite end. This house-buying situation is an extreme example of the kind of thing that drives us both nuts when we try to deal with each other, because our tendencies in how we make these kinds of decisions are totally opposite. I consider a sufficient number of elements and decide; it makes me deeply uneasy to have an open decision waiting for any length of time. Kevin considers everything, and I mean everything, over and over and over again; it makes him deeply uneasy to feel as if he's rushed a decision. Oof.

But if you think this is bad, you can imagine how stressful it was when we were deciding whether or not I should move out here from Utah, after our year of being broken-up. Much much much worse on the stress levels.

We're also trying to figure out what happens if we don't buy this house. It seems clear now (in retrospect) that Kev would be much happier if we sold this place first, and then started looking for a place to buy; part of what's making him reluctant is the fear that this place won't sell for a year or more, and we'll end up paying double rent. Of course, I'd find it stressful to sell this place, not immediately find another we love, and end up renting ourselves for months and months on end, while frantically looking for a place we love, constantly feeling like we should just settle for something and be done with it.

The other option is to just wait. To close down this whole housing search for the moment, be content where we are, and try again in a year or two, when there's a good chance that our finances will be significantly better, making it much easier to buy a place we fall in love with without stress. We could even redo the kitchen and bathrooms while waiting, making this place worth more and easier to sell. I don't know what to do. Neither does Kevin. It bewilders us.