Diagnosis: Patient is…

Diagnosis: Patient is suffering from acute exhaustion due to having revelled excessively at Chicago's Blue Man Group show Wednesday night, prior to packing and printing teaching materials and snuggling with her sweetie instead of sleeping like a good little girl. Patient slept for less than three hours before waking up at four a.m. and stumbling off to the airport, then onto a plane, then onto a train, then onto a ferry, then into a car, more than twelve hours later. Patient presented with bleary eyes, flat affect, and apparently ready to cry with exahustion.

Prescription: Have old friend and once lover drive patient to relaxed mostly-gay nude beach. Patient should strip off clothes (along with friend who has seen her naked body many times already, and will thus cause no excessive anxiety, which might be detrimental to someone in her somewhat precarious condition) and then lie in the sun, enjoying the warm breeze, for at least half an hour. Said old friend should then coax patient into the chilly water -- the cold will operate in a manner similar to shock therapy, invigorating the patient and making her blood flow freely. Patient should spend a minimum of thirty minutes in the Atlantic Ocean, being tumbled about by friendly waves and trying not to swallow more than a half-cup of seawater. Subsequently, patient should dry off and then lie on a sun-warmed towel some more. If patient chooses to doze off for a bit, leaning contentedly against a warm shoulder, this course of action would not be contra-indicated.

The physician predicts that with the completion of a good night's sleep, the patient will make a full recovery.