Kay: A Very Secret Diary, part 1
Day 1Wart thinks he's so special, just because Father told him that he was v. special boy, and that he should record his v. precious thoughts. Don't see what's so special about grubby orphan who doesn't even know names of own parents. Better take sword and go remind brat how un-special he actually is. Always the best part of day, anyway, instructing Wart in manners. Squeals so beautifully, much prettier than our piggies.
Only pretty thing about Wart, unfortunately. Dirty, ragged, chops off own hair any which way. Can't really blame him -- would be too depressing, trying to compete with me.
Day 2Father gave me own sword today! Long and sharp and almost tall as I am! V. shiny -- love looking at self in reflection. Can't be bothered with Wart today; too busy playing with own sword. Wart will have to amuse himself.
Day 3Haven't seen much of Wart today -- off in forest somewhere, playing with himself. Can't bring self to care -- have gorgeous new sword! Father says now old enough to fight in tournament -- tomorrow! Won't be able to sleep tonight, but doesn't matter; too much fun lying in bed, caressing long, hard, throbbing sword.
Day 4Incredibly exciting day! Couldn't think straight when woke up this morning, so thrilled to be going to Camelot, fighting in tournament, seeing all the big, strong, powerful, studly knights. Hope they like me.
Wart sulking on road, feeling neglected. Poor Wart. Must take a few minutes tomorrow, when Father isn't looking, to reassure him that haven't forgotten about him. A little sword-play will remind Wart that even when big and famous, won't forget him. He'll always be my little Wart.
V. fond of the rascal, actually. Not bad with a sword himself. Quite a delicate touch.
Day 5Idiot Wart forgot to pack my beautiful sword! Can't think! Can't breathe! Must run around in circles screaming and trying to beat living daylights out of him!
Later -- Wart finally showed up, almost too late, with massive sword, bigger than he is. Utterly gorgeous. Msut have it. Tried to convince Father was my sword, but Father not buying it. All confusion.
Day 6World gone mad. Wart apparently stole important sword, enchanted to drive men insane. Everyone in Camelot ensorcelled; seem to believe that my Wart actually long-lost King Arthur. Utterly ridiculous. If they'd heard him squeal every time gave him little taste of my sword, they'd know better. Small squealling piggie, all Wart's good for.
Saddest part of all? Nobody paying any attention to me.
Day 7Hah! Knew Wart wasn't really king. Big battle today -- Wart's pitiful supporters versus noble, powerful, massive army of knights contesting claim to kingship. Wart will get trampled. Father won't let me fight; will have to stay on sidelines and just look pretty. Have brushed golden locks until gleaming. Perhaps one of the knights will notice me and take me for his squire. Gawain is my favorite. He's so big!
Later -- Bloody Wart bloody won bloody battle. (Didn't realize battles were quite so bloody. Might have to reconsider knighthood idea, as do not look my best in red. Autumn colors make me look swarthy; more of a spring, really.) Spell on sword stronger than thought; everyone left alive apparently delighted to crown Wart king. Ceremony tomorrow. Bloody hell.
Day 8Must reconcile self to the facts. Wart king. Not so bad being big brother of king, right? Secret power behind throne. Heh heh. Behind throne, get it?
Will be funniest knight as well as the prettiest. Camelot will be mine!
Day 9Everyone talking about girl, sister (!), Wart had sex with, got pregnant. World upside-down! Making me dizzy.
Day 10Wart made me knight, only bright spot in whole sorry story. Utterly ignoring me otherwise; too busy being fawned over by other knights, all hoping to become Wart's favorite. Even Gawain! Too tragic, really. Must go lie down. Perhaps will wake up and discover was all only strange dream. Only possible explanation, really. Child hidden in forest, immovable sword stuck in stone to find king, sex with unknown sister -- events clearly too silly to actually be true story.
[to be continued, a few years later]