Something kind of funny happened to me the last few days. I started out in Chicago, being glad to learn that some things were better than I'd thought they were. Much better, really. But I knew that they probably wouldn't change the overall outcome, so I was a sort of muted happy. Happy despite. Something like that.
When I got back to Salt Lake, there were a lot of people I needed to talk to. A few had known that there was a "talk" scheduled for Sunday, and wanted to hear what it had been about, how it had gone. Others just hadn't talked to me in forever since I'd been on the road since the end of January, and wanted to catch up. In the last twenty-four hours, I've spent a significant amount of time on the phone with Jed, Kirsten, Karina, Alex, Roshani, David. Usually when I should have been sleeping.
The funny thing, is that as I talked to these people, I got more and more optimistic about Kev and me. I'm honestly not sure why. Maybe it was telling and retelling things. Repeating bits of conversation. Getting further away from the truth and closer to the way I'd like it to be. I'm not sure. Somehow, by the end of the last conversation, I had almost convinced myself that everything was going to work out. Somehow. Magically. I was floating on a cloud so high, I couldn't even see the ground.
It couldn't last. The cold light of reason shone through; romantic daydreams gave way to sad facts. A long conversation with Kevin then confirmed the key points -- that though we love each other tremendously, we still really haven't figured out a way to be together. We could just do it, of course. But there are reasons why it's a bad idea, probably a very bad idea, unless the problems get resolved. Which is why we need to stay broken-up. Why I need to continue to think of us that way, and keep making decisions about my life based on that assumption. Continue to expect that I'm not moving to Chicago. That kind of thing.
I get on a plane in a few hours and go to New Orleans. I'll attend a conference, wander through the French Quarter. Hopefully, it'll be distracting. Right now, I can't sleep, I can't read, and I can't even cry. I just lie in bed with my body feeling awful. With my mind racing in useless frantic circles. With my heart sore.