I'm just feeling heartsick. There's been a lot of trauma on the CS list lately, and I finally said some things last night in e-mail that I should have said a long time ago, but which were no fun to say. I'm really not sure I'm good at managing people long-term. I think I must not be doing it right, because there's been so much frustration and difficulty all around. And now it's gone far enough that it's very difficult for me to work with some people on staff, and I'm feeling all panicky and not sure what to do.
I went to bed at nine. Then I somehow stayed up 'til 2 on the phone to various people, talking this all over. I wasn't tired. I woke up at 5, still not tired, still thinking about everything, looking for other solutions, not finding them. I had nightmares about this stuff all night.
Clearly it needs to be resolved, and it will be in the next few days. As it stands, a lot of the joy of doing CS has been leached out for me (and undoubtedly for them), and I'm honestly not willing to do it if doing it is making me cry on a regular basis. I know other people who would let angry e-mails just roll right off, and maybe they'd make better managers. I just can't handle it. I've never been able to handle people being mad at me, even if they're burying resentment and not just yelling. I can tell they're mad, and so it needs to be resolved, and quickly, or I can't go on running it.
Oh, munchkins. I love CS, y'know? It's like a baby in some ways; my pet project that I've watched grow, and that I've watched other people come to love. There's a lot of good things happening there -- good work, good people. But it's become so overshadowed by the tension that it's very difficult to face work there right now.
I'm going to go shower and have some tea; maybe that'll help me feel better. It's the last day of classes for the semester -- I want to be cheerful for my other munchkins.