So I survived my Toastmaster gig at WindyCon! I was pretty nervous, having never done this before, but I think it went reasonably well, especially once the crowd warmed up and started laughing in the right places. By the end, I was having a lot of fun — please feel free to invite me to Toastmaster again!
*****
[picture me up on stage, in a red classic Trek mini-dress, black tights, and tall black boots]
Hi, everyone! I’m delighted to be at WindyCon again; it’s been quite the challenging time at Starfleet Academy. Between the recent election fiasco at the Federation Council – which didn’t go *quite* as badly as we’d feared – plus the last few years of battling the Rigelian flu, it’s been pretty chaotic here.
I admit, some of us are struggling. I even missed a fabulous wedding recently:
Q: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
A: It’s true! They have engaged the Borg!
…and then I couldn’t find my gold command uniform this morning; I was just lucky that a nice fellow from Security was willing to loan me his uniform. He told me a funny joke too:
Q: How many crew members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but the red-shirt will die while they’re changing it!
[looks down, dismayed, at red uniform I’m wearing]
I guess that’s not so funny!
But still, it’s good to be in the uniform at all – once, I accidentally went to a Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca from Star Wars. What a Wookie mistake!
Okay, okay. On with the show….
*****
And then the rest of it was introducing the various Guests of Honor, listening to their speeches, and peppering it all with groaners of Star Trek jokes. Some of the selection:
***
[when introducing those notables who aren’t at Opening Ceremonies, for whom the traditional response is, ‘They’re at the bar…’]
Dr. McCoy finished his examination of Scotty and shook his head.
“Scotty, I can’t find any reason for your stomach pains. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case, Leonard,” said Scotty, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
***
[after introducing the science GoH]
What do you call two science officers having an argument? Science friction!
***
[introducing our Cosplay GoH]
Q: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
A: Make it sew!
***
[introducing the Artist GoH]
Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device!
***
And a few more scattered through:
Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side!
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark!
Q: How many Cardassians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on how many lights you see…
[that was my favorite, because it required some real Trek knowledge to get it!]
***
Ending with this beauty:
Q: How many ears does Kirk have?
A: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear!
*****
Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all night…
(I didn’t get around to using this one, but here’s a bonus for you:
Q: How do you stop yourself from falling out of a Bird of Prey?
A: You have to Klingon!)
Live long and prosper, my friends…