My New Year’s resolution this year was a little vague, but mostly along the lines of ‘be more sane.’
The previous few years, between pandemic and cancer-sense-of-mortality (spraining my ankle didn’t help), I’d really driven myself into some bad mental patterns, mostly having to do with taking on way too much work, much of it essentially busywork, and thereby getting overwhelmed to the point that I lost the ability to tell what was truly important / urgent and what was just at the top of my ADHD-jiggered mind.
So I went around in a near-constant state of suppressed panic, feeling so frantic that I didn’t even feel like I had time to explain to my nearest and dearest what the problems were, much less ask for help. This gave me lots of energy in the form of dopamine hits and I got masses of stuff done, but not in a fun way, and often not the actually important stuff.
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Oh, this wasn’t obvious to you? That is because a) social media only shows a slice of life, no matter how much I try to be transparent, and b) I am VERY VERY VERY good at masking.
It is so habitual to seem calm and in control and even cheerful that I have a really hard time NOT presenting that way. The fact that I usually ended up crying in the weekly couples therapy Jed and I have been doing the last two years might’ve been a clue, though.
Anyway, the point of all this is, I’ve been trying to slow things down, clear the decks, etc. That’s the big task for this year, and I’ve made good progress.
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Part of that is just feeding myself better. I actually did pretty well eating nutritiously (is that a word?) through that whole stretch, because I set some good habits earlier, and those seemed to stick. But lots of those meals were boring and repetitive and only minimally tasty. I mean, they were FINE? But I think food should ideally be a source of pleasure and delight, not just fuel.
So here are some meals from the last few weeks — I’ve been trying to just take more time to feed myself and my family well, and if it meant the writing, etc. work went a little slower, THAT IS OKAY. (If I tell myself that enough times, I’ll start believing it, right?)
• sesame bagel (from The Daly Bagel) with Amanda‘s whipped cream cheese, lox, tomato from my garden, capers — I actually took one bite and realized I forgot to add the red onion, but was too lazy to take another picture, so please picture the red onion I went back and added sprinkled over it all — I had it raw, but I’m going to slice the rest of that onion and quick-pickle it in a bit.
– tomato sauce with ground beef, graced with fresh oregano from the back deck (I recommend to locals the beef from our fabulous local butcher, Carnivore Oak Park, which also carries some veggies and sauces and beans and cheese (I particularly like the “Cheddar in Blue” and the Little Bloom on the Prairie goat cheese I picked up there yesterday — they also carry my cookbooks, both Feast and Vegan, and I’ll be dropping off a fresh batch of Sri Lankan curry powder spice jars there tomorrow)
– steel cut oatmeal (when I start making oatmeal again, you know the mornings have started feeling like autumn) — with sautéed apples, fresh raspberries, and dark brown sugar
– burrata with garden tomatoes and basil, with a olive oil & balsamic dressing — truly decadent
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Pleasure. Pleasure good.
I don’t think I can agree with the Greek philosopher Epicurus that pleasure is the highest good — sometimes other moral needs have to come first.
BUT, in the absence of any conflicting need, I can agree with him that by removing anxiety and enjoying life’s simple pleasures we can be happier.
(It has been a long, long time since I read any Epicurus, I think 40 years or so, so if I’m getting him wildly wrong, philosophers, be gentle in your correction, please…)
