Cancer log 90: Slept…

Cancer log 90: Slept poorly last night, though the meds mostly kept the nausea at bay -- just kept waking up, sometimes with very weird dreams. I'm teaching post-colonial lit. in the fall, and in one dream, I was trying to teach the first day of classes, but had apparently decided to change all the texts for the first third of the course, to ones I hadn't actually read, focused on Native American history. So I was trying to fake my way through the first class, (desperately planning to read everything I needed to read that night), abjectly failing to come up with anything useful to say, which is already ridiculous, because you can really spend the entire first class going over the syllabus and doing introductions if you want to, although admittedly, that is not my style; I usually try to make that class at least half actual content, so they get a sense of my teaching style and course expectations, so they can decide if they want to drop. But anyway, I was freaking out, quietly, and to make matters worse, I had apparently decided to order pizza for the first class, which is just so beyond ridiculous that I can't tell you. That pretty much guarantees a totally non-productive class. It was utter anxious stumbling chaos.

And I woke up, and of course, knew exactly where it all was coming from. I'll have a new co-teacher for that fall class, and while I'm sure she'll be great, and I actually think the students had an excellent experience with the co-teachers in my spring classes, probably learning more than they would have with just me and getting a great diversity of perspectives, it's still a little nerve-wracking, working with someone new. And to add to that, I'll be out for at least 2-3 solid weeks at one point for the surgery, as opposed to just missing a class here and there; it'll mean turning over an entire segment of the course to someone else, which makes me fret for my students, because it'll be a big shift for them. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I suspect I won't really relax about it until a few weeks into the semester, which, btw, doesn't even start for a month and a half, so it's just silly to be having anxiety dreams about it now, so stop it, subconscious, okay?

Also, I am fretting a bit about showing up bald to the first day of class. For some reason I keep thinking about whether I want to wear a bandana or cap or something, and whether I'd want to wear it for the whole class, or whip it off dramatically at some point, when I reveal the whole 'your teacher has cancer and you'll have a co-teacher this semester, which will be somewhat disruptive, but probably also great for you.' I don't think the dramatic reveal is actually my style -- I'll probably wear some kind of head covering for the first class or two at least. For the rest, we'll just have to wait and see.

And none of this is actually worth disrupting my sleep over, especially not *now*. Hush, brain. Enough already. There are more immediate issues to think about, like what kind of potato salad I want to make for tomorrow's 4th of July potluck, and when I should start making the pavlova. Is pavlova a make-ahead dessert, at least the meringue part? Time to go research.