Worked a twelve hour day today (2 hrs resin pour this morning, 8 hr shift, 2 hr resin pour after getting home and eating dinner). Watched a show with Kevin, cried a little, he brought me tea, and is starting my bath. I’m just very tired. There’s been a lot of upsetting family/friend stuff I can’t talk about (not my stories to tell) and a death and a break-up this year, and a lot a lot a lot of work.
I’m just working all the time now and I’m still behind. Maybe I’ll catch up this week. I’m getting tired of apologizing to people for being late on important things.
Plus, the shop was really cold today — the heater there is inadequate and I was freezing all day, which apparently really eats at my reserves. I’m bringing in a better space heater tomorrow, so this will not be repeated. I’ve had a hard time getting warm since I got home, but between snuggling Kevin, hiding entirely under the blankets, and drinking tea, I’ve finally warmed up.
Also, I made several pretty things today, so that’s good. I’m happy that I finally got around to figuring out how to easily make my bookshelf art light up — nightlights! And I used the last of my California pepperberries to make a really pretty Christmas serving board. It’s fun working with pepperberries, because even dried, they smell fabulous when you “accidentally” crush them.
Okay, bath ready. Back to reading my new S.A. Corey novel (The Mercy of Gods) about the brutal colonization of the human race. It’s pretty awful, but oddly, makes me feel better about my own troubles.
There’s an interesting bit in this book when a character defines a ‘pathological move,’ (I haven’t looked up whether it’s a real psychological term.)
“I’m sorry about Tonner. When he’s stressed, he can be petty . It’s not his best feature.”
“It’s his pathological move. I get it.”
“I don’t know the term.”
“It’s the thing people do when they’re working on instinct. When they’re stressed and overwhelmed, there’s something they go to by reflex. Tonner focuses down on something small enough to control. Campar makes jokes. Jessyn withdraws. Everyone has something.”
For some reason I was talking to Kavi in the car on the way to the airport about that concept yesterday — oh, right, we were discussing someone, I remember now — and I said that I thought this person’s pathological move was to try to cling hard to people who might leave them, and get controlling.
And then we got to discuss what her pathological move might be, and Kevin’s, and of course that led to discussing mine, and it took me a minute to figure it out, actually.
But I’m pretty sure my pathological move is that when I’m overwhelmed and have too much work, my instinctive reaction is to try to just work longer and harder and insist that yes, I can absolutely do all of it, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. And are you sure there isn’t anything I can help YOU with? Helping other people makes me feel capable and in control. Load a little more weight onto my shoulders, no problem, I’ve got it.
Until, of course, I don’t got it, and it all starts to come tumbling down.
Which means that when I break down and cry a little, that’s actually a pretty good sign, because it means I’ve started admitting that no, this is an unreasonable amount of work on my plate right now, and beyond my capacity, and I might have to miss some deadlines and drop some balls, and the world won’t end if I do.
So if you were worried about the crying in the first paragraph, don’t be. It’s healthy crying, I’m pretty sure. It’s fine. 🙂
Boy, that was a ramble. I’m very tired. Bath time!
