almost didn’t have a child of my body
lying down, running hands across my skin
found a lump
under the soft flesh of lower abdomen
just above my thigh
convinced I had cancer
doctor said
uterine fibroids
essentially harmless, but
may affect fertility
if we wanted kids
go home and try
might need surgery
might not succeed at all
we went home
decided now or never
had sex
got pregnant
all through the nine months
I was convinced
something was wrong
maybe the baby had died
without me noticing
or I would die
in labor
blood pouring out
over white sheets
in month eight
we learned
something was wrong
she was breech
turned upside down
(actually, right side up)
the wrong position
for delivery
we could try to turn her
but might end up
with the cord wrapped
around her neck
or other complications
scheduled the caesarean instead
on the day, they bent me over
needle in my spine
then strapped me down
in t-shape, as if lying on a cross
draped a blue sheet
so we couldn’t see the blades
cutting me open
the organs being pulled out
the fibroids got in the way
her head wouldn’t fit
they had to widen the incisions
pull her out
rush her, blue, to oxygen
put the organs back in
sew me up
vomiting
ice-cold
in shock
it wasn’t the birth
I wanted
it was probably easier
than the birth
I wanted
I wanted to labor
to try to push something large
through a tiny muscled space
framed by bones
that can only spread
so far
wanted to sweat and scream and push
to find my body’s limits
join millions of other women
through the ages
who carried children in their bodies
then sweated and screamed to bring them out
into the world
afterwards they brought her to me
her apgar scores climbed up
from three to nine
pale blue eyes darkening
open mouth, asking
a sweet, bewildering confusion
perfection
healthy mama
healthy baby
all that really matters
I know
and I am so grateful
but still
it wasn’t the birth I wanted
*****