White Sheets

 

almost didn’t have a child of my body

 

lying down, running hands across my skin

found a lump

under the soft flesh of lower abdomen

just above my thigh

 

convinced I had cancer

 

doctor said

uterine fibroids

essentially harmless, but

may affect fertility

 

if we wanted kids

go home and try

might need surgery

might not succeed at all

 

we went home

decided now or never

had sex

got pregnant

 

all through the nine months

I was convinced

something was wrong

maybe the baby had died

without me noticing

 

or I would die

in labor

blood pouring out

over white sheets

 

in month eight

we learned

something was wrong

 

she was breech

turned upside down

(actually, right side up)

the wrong position

for delivery

 

we could try to turn her

but might end up

with the cord wrapped

around her neck

or other complications

 

scheduled the caesarean instead

 

on the day, they bent me over

needle in my spine

then strapped me down

in t-shape, as if lying on a cross

draped a blue sheet

so we couldn’t see the blades

cutting me open

the organs being pulled out

 

the fibroids got in the way

her head wouldn’t fit

they had to widen the incisions

pull her out

rush her, blue, to oxygen

 

put the organs back in

sew me up

vomiting

ice-cold

in shock

it wasn’t the birth

I wanted

it was probably easier

than the birth

I wanted

 

I wanted to labor

to try to push something large

through a tiny muscled space

framed by bones

that can only spread

so far

 

wanted to sweat and scream and push

to find my body’s limits

join millions of other women

through the ages

who carried children in their bodies

then sweated and screamed to bring them out

into the world

 

afterwards they brought her to me

her apgar scores climbed up

from three to nine

pale blue eyes darkening

open mouth, asking

a sweet, bewildering confusion

perfection

 

healthy mama

healthy baby

all that really matters

I know

and I am so grateful

 

but still

it wasn’t the birth I wanted

 

*****