First all was good fun, with the prettiest Lady, whose skin is like marble, with her arm clothed in samite, etc., etc., holding me over the surface of the lake again. But this time, instead of a knight falling into the water with an entertaining splash and a number of bubbles, there was a boat made of brass (shiny, but not so much as me). The knight (though later found out he is not just a knight but also a king, which is a bit like a knight but fatter) sailed out toward me, and I expected the Lady holding me aloft to take me below the surface in a taunting manner, but no, the knight (whose name is Arthur) reached out and took me! He held me aloft and admired me, which was right and proper, but his hands were v. sweaty and rough. I realized I had to leave the lake, but tried to look on bright side -- no more young Launcelot slobbering on my lovely hilt, no more snotty Sheath bothering me. Truthfully, looked forward a little to leaving the lake, as the Ladies took my beauty for granted, and now others would appreciate me, apply polish, and so on. Arthur said I was most beautiful and most famous sword in all the world, v. nice. Then he reached down and took stupid Sheath from the water -- and shoved me into it! Horrid!
Was so mad about being stuck in Sheath, scarcely noticed boat ride to shore. Wizard with pointy hat was there. He and Arthur rode smelly horses a long way, and I began to miss lake. Was insufficiently moisturized by king sweat, and jeweled hilt was in need of polishing. Finally reached a gloomy castle, with a lawn of smooth grass, and an apple tree covered over with shields, and a bridge whereon hung a single shield of sable, etc. Arthur rode up to shield on bridge, upon which was written "Whoso Smiteth This Shield Doeth So At His Peril." Sounded v. bad, feared greatly that Arthur would employ me in said smiting. But instead Arthur hit shield with a maul of brass (unattractive, fit for such use). Another knight rode out, clothed all in sable, and after some talk he leapt from his horse, and Arthur from his, and I was drawn, and unpleasant smiting commenced. Have never been so humiliated, being banged about, bashed against shield, getting blood all over shiny nice blade. Hoped that Arthur would be run through by sable knight's sword (not so pretty as me, of course) and drop me, but Arthur was not hurt, only me. And other knight, of course. Finally sable knight surrendered, smiting was done, but stupid Arthur told sable knight all was forgiven, he could keep his wealth and estates, etc.! Was bashed about for no reason! Hate Arthur so much.
Sheath snickered at my plight during smiting, but was horrified when Arthur sheathed me without cleaning me first, thus getting blood, sweat, etc. all over Sheath. Was pleased. Tra la.
Then came worst humiliation. Shifty wizard said "Lord, which wouldst thou rather have, Excalibur -- " (that being lovely me) " -- or the sheath that holds him?" Arthur replied "Ten thousand times would I rather have Excalibur than his sheath," quite right, stupid Sheath. But wizard said "Lord, thou art wrong, for though Excalibur may cut in twain either a feather or a bar of iron, yet his sheath is of such a sort that he who wears it can suffer no wound in battle, neither may he lose a single drop of blood." Arthur was v. upset, because he wanted to pointlessly defeat sable knight on his own, not by magic, and said he should throw myself and Sheath back in the lake, which seemed like best course of action all around. But Merlin talked him out of it, told him being king made him special, worthy of using magic, etc. Arthur agreed, but said he would never use myself and Sheath again except in serious battle, which was v. much a relief, as do not wish to be used for smiting again. Would prefer those who see me be smitten, not smote.
Sheath has been impossibly smug re: power to confer invincibility. Wish young Launcelot were here to widdle in Sheath, or that someone would steal Sheath away and fling him into wilderness. V. depressed. Wish Ladies were here to polish me.