Camelot: The Very Secret Diaries

The Very Secret Diaries of Excalibur, Part the Third

Day 10

"Welcome to Camelot," Arthur said, and stroked my hilt v. lovingly. Shifty wizard went away, muttering about finding a table for castle -- apparently knights usually just sit on floor among hounds, eat roast chicken legs, throw bones into corners, etc. Not at all like home, i.e. lake, where all is very delicate and wet, except for young Launcelot. On second thought, realize Launcelot often wet self, Ladies, Sheath (ha, stupid Sheath), etc., but was not delicate, so stand by that point.

Arthur went into castle, held me aloft, various knights sitting on floor gazed up at me as if dazzled, shouted out with joy, begged to touch my shiny hilt, were rebuffed. None seemed very impressed with Sheath, good. Arthur said "This is my sword, Excalibur," and knight with a runny nose said "Wha'? Wasn't that other sword, the one that was stuck in the anvil or rock or whatever, and then you pulled it out and got to be king, wasn't that sword called Excalibur too?" And Arthur said, "Hrm, may have called it that at one point, common name for a sword you know, like calling hound 'Killer', very famous sword is Excalibur, might have been exaggerating before, but this is real Excalibur, what come from out of a lake."

Am v. suspicious of this other sword. How dare Arthur have other sword before me! And call out my name while grasping its hilt! V. distressing.

Day 11

Have met other sword, properly called Sword of Kingship or The Sword Formerly Known as the Sword in the Stone. Poncy bastard, v. ugly hilt, words written on blade, possibly instructions, i.e. "Don't grasp pointy bit," possibly something about destiny, whosoever doth pull me from thither stone doth become king, etc. Am not sure, as never really learned to read. Am a lover, not a scholar.

Seems that long time ago Arthur pulled Sword of Kingship from anvil or rock or somesuch and, after a bit of smiting, became king. Seems strange way to choose a monarch. Sword Formerly Known as the Sword in the Stone is v. pompous and dull, only wants to talk about smiting, etc. Gets along well with Sheath. Sword Formerly etc. has lovely Scabbard, tho, v. jewel-incrusted, etc. Wouldn't mind being sheathed in said Scabbard occasionally, but Scabbard seems bit clingy. Best not to get involved. Besides, do not lack for attention, as Queen and various ladies in waiting have proved eager to polish my hilt, which is v. nice.

Day 12

King has constructed lovely chest for me to rest in, lined with velvet, inlaid with silver, etc., is very posh. No longer need Sheath. Ha! Stupid Sheath.

Day 19

Have been in chest for week. Is v. dull. Am reminded of Arthur's promise not to use Sheath or myself except in time of greatest need, etc. Am beginning to worry. Velvet box begins to seem less posh.

Day 38

La. Ladies in waiting have found key to chest, am now regularly taken away for liberal hilt polishing. Am often polished by the Queen herself, returned before Arthur notices. Is not a bad life. Very little smiting.

Day 675

Launcelot has come to Camelot to be knight. Wonder if he has widdled on anyone yet. Queen seems strangely uninterested in polishing my hilt since Launcelot's arrival. Care and polishing subsequently given over largely to knights and occasional stableboy. Not as lovely as ladies. Better than stupid velvet box, though.

Day 685

King's odd sister called me "absurdly phallus-like symbol of outdated cultural paradigm." Sounds unflattering. Wonder if she will polish me.

Day 700

Apparently have to go off to war, strike fear into hearts of foes on battlefield, be v. shiny, blind cohorts with dazzling light reflected from gleaming blade, etc. Arthur's polishing leaves much to be desired. Arthur did not bring Sheath along, at least. Perhaps he will be run through, and passing knight will return me to tender mercies of ladies in lake or ladies in waiting. Must hold out hope.

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