Part I
The Very Secret Diary of Excalibur's Scabbard, Part II
Day 1
Horrible development -- king gave me to his sister Morgan for
safekeeping while goes off to war with Cali. Spouted nonsense about me
making him invulnerable, blood not flowing from wounds blah blah, I
can't be bothered with details. All I know is there's bugger-all to do
here except sit around being decorative, and I could really use a good
sheathing.
Day 2
Morgan commissioning local artist/craftsman to do a likeness of me. V.
flattering. Hope they get my best side. Am kidding. All sides best.
Maybe will send portrait off to battle front as memento for Cali.
Day 6
Horrors -- not a portrait at all. Artist/craftsman made trashy cheap
knockoff scabbard! Terrible workmanship. Gems obviously plastic. Did
leather bits in rubber. Not one virgin blinded in process. Would
hardly call this art.
Morgan palmed off fake scabbard on king, gave me to well-muscled boytoy.
Much giggling in castle about clever dupe. Poor Cali will notice
right away, probably shatter his blade rather than sheathe in such
trash. M. and boytoy have found surprising new use for me. Does not
involve smiting.
Day 9
Big drama with king discovering fake scabbard. Reclaimed me from
boytoy, came storming in to Morgan's castle, v. dashing. Asks Morgan
does she think he won't know difference between rayon and silk velvet,
wife sits around weaving all day, has picked up a thing or two about
fabric. Also killed boytoy, disapproves of sisters sleeping with anyone
outside of marriage except him. Morgan v. red-faced, should bloody well
think she would be. Says wife does other things all day and king none
the wiser, go figure he noticed about the weaving. I am rescued,
hurrah! Shall soon be reunited with Cali.
Day 15
Have felt too low to write for a while. Excalibur misses the trashy
fake scabbard. Says my precious jewels and finery make it uncomfortable,
just can't relax and be itself around me the way it could with
other scabbard. Also found the rubber bits sexy. Sword has taken to
sleeping naked with king and gets polished by half the population
of Camelot, while I hang neglected on wall. Haven't had a good
sheathing in ages.
Day 16
Sword thinks it is so hot. Is not so hot. Approximate value according
to wizard 1/10 of me, and wizard should know as per rumour he bought
sword from mystical druid types on last-chance clearance rack. Sword is
only good for smiting. Smite, smite, smite, parry, thrust, thrust...
thrust... oh, diary, I miss it so.
Day 17
Have been stolen (AGAIN!) by Morgan. Assume holding grudge for
death of boytoy. Has big plans for me, says I am v. important. Duh!
M. says maybe I should take some "me" time, no swords, meditate quietly
alone, get to know self. Sounds good.
Day 18
Oh, bugger. Morgan's big plan turns out to be chucking me in lake.
Promises I will be called for again when king returns. V. wet down
here.
Day 19
Briny water absolutely ruining velvet. Some species of mollusc nibbling
embroidery. On plus side, motion of small fish swimming into shaft is
reminiscent of sheathing. V. pleasant. King not returned yet.
Day 40
Am developing barnacles. Think this "me" time not such a good idea
after all. Would like to be removed from lake, please. Still no return
of king.
Day 52,0000
Heard rumours of return of king. V. excited. Expect to be rescued any
time now.
Day 52,0001
Wrong king. Was just some pervy hobbit fancier. Still awaiting return
of real king.
Day 52,0134
Lake pollution eroding even magically-protected filigree and embroidery.
Virgins would pitch fit. Still no return of king. Many dirty objects
dumped in lake recently, trying to cut in on my fish action. As if.
Still the prettiest scabbard in this lake.
Back to Camelot