part 1
The Very Secret Diary of Morgan Le Fay, Part II
Day 1
King Arthur came by to visit, brought box of homemade cookies, asked me
to hold onto his scabbard. Was quite shocked when I did, and dropped
box of cookies on my foot. Seems he meant an actual scabbard. Boring.
Must admit scabbard is v. pretty, makes nice accessory with dramatic
slinky black gowns, but am more interested in his
shiny sword. Sword has long hilt covered in intriguingly bumpy jewels,
rounded knob on end of pommel, looks as though could do with some
polishing. Suggested delicately that sword was tarnished, Arthur did
not take hint. So dense. Is utterly uninterested in dalliance with
sister, don't see what he's so high and mighty about, not as though he
hasn't done it before. Only wanted to give me the pretty scabbard.
Got all serious about how it must be kept safe to protect his life. Sooo
blatantly wired and paranoid. Amateurs ought to stick to mead and leave
faerie dust to those who can handle it.
Day 2
Feeling mischievous, had fake scabbard made up to look just like real
one. Boorish farmboy king won't know difference between quality and
cheap knockoff. Gave real scabbard to muscular knight-errant seductee
named Accalon, sent him off to fight Arthur. First act of bona fide
Evil! Go me!!
Figure either Accalon kills Arthur or Arthur kills Accalon. If the
former: victory for Evil. (Go me!) If the latter, just as well,
simply could not get rid of Accalon any other way. Always wanting to
play sheathe-the-blade and talk about our relationship, became v.
tedious.
Day 4
Arthur returned, wanted scabbard back to use in a fight. Gave him fake,
he totally bought it! Hard to keep straight face. After he left,
watched whole thing through magical scrying glass. Unfortunately turned
out knight he was fighting was Accalon. Awkward scene ensued, both men
v. embarassed as matching scabbards = faux pas on level of showing up at
party wearing same dress as hostess. Of course Accalon blabbed entire
story, shamelessly threw himself at Arthur. Shiny sword seems to have
strange power to sway men's minds. Much manly bonding over evils of
women, females not to be trusted, knightly companionship much superior,
etc. Arthur tended to Accalon's wounds, Accalon suggested Arthur's
sword could use some polishing.
Walked away from scrying glass in disgust, popped in "Bring It On" video
but then remembered: no electricity. V. depressed. First evil plan not
so successful. Must visit faeries, will be cheered by more dust.
Day 5
Husband snoring loudly again, also keeps leaving dirty undies on floor
even though I have told him a HUNDRED TIMES to put them in the laundry.
Cannot take any more of this. Going to smite him now.
Day 6
Most vexing: was stopped from stabbing husband in mid-snore, by our son!
V. surprising, don't recall having son. Oh yes, remember now --
happened some time ago. Gave birth to baby, handed it over to crack team
of competent nannies to raise. Must have lost track of time, son is now
full grown! Looks different from when was baby. Bigger. Was cuter as
baby. Now is irksome buzzkill. Clearly, influence of nannies. Have
had nannies sacked, also beheaded.
Day 7
Small satisfaction from hearing Accalon's tryst with king didn't last
long. Accalon in bad shape from losing too much blood in battle. Of
course doctors treated wounds by applying leeches to suck more blood.
Died, obviously. Arthur sent me the body with a red ribbon wrapped
around it; brother has warped sense of humor. Pretty funny, had a good
laugh over practical joke, but Accalon not much use to me dead.
Although must admit is less annoying this way.
Day 8
Husband went with son to meet with Arthur. Pathetic suck-ups. "Oh,
wasn't us tried to have you killed, Morgan's the evil one, we like you
sooo much, by the way does your sword need polishing?" Are now all best
of pals. Cannot believe this is third time king has seduced a lover of
mine. What has he got that I don't have besides cute shiny sword? V.
depressed, am questioning own sexuality and gender identity. Want more
faerie dust. Faeries won't hook me up, say I have a problem. Say I
should seek therapy. Stupid faeries. Going to Camelot to steal
Arthur's sword, then we'll see who's got a problem won't we.
Day 9
Sword-stealing mission a bust. Couldn't get it away, hilt was tightly
gripped in Arthur's hand. Well, not his hand exactly. Had to make do
with pretty scabbard.
Day 15
Have not been able to write for a few days as was busy running like
hell, turning self into marble stone to escape detection. Was the only
marble stone shaped like 5'4" woman wearing slinky black gown and
clutching pretty scabbard in middle of forest, but bumbling royal goon
squad completely befuddled by ruse. "Is that her? Has scabbard and
whatnot." "No, we're supposed to find one with skin and flowy hair and
soft bosoms and things. Maybe try next forest." Morons.
Frustrated by failure to get sword. At this rate Arthur will steal all
the good men in the kingdom. Scabbard v. pretty but useless for my
purposes. Soft and flat, might as well be husband. Most irked. Threw
it into lake in fit of pique. Wasn't thinking clearly, should have
pawned jewels.
Part III
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