The Very Secret Diary of Mordred
Day One
Mum locked in her tower again by Da. Entire castle hiding laughing fits
due to lots of shrieking about tarty young knights who clutter up moat
when Mum tires of them. Da obsessing _again_ over lack of waistline.
Said Da ought to get out more but Da growled in that cute manly
inarticulate way he has and reached for axe.
Am soooooo tired of being youngest brother. Though def. am smartest in
the castle. Also, being youngest has def. advantage over everyone else
for sheer speed alone.
Day Two
Dim older brothers finally caught on to quarrel between Mum and Da,
sniggered for two hours straight as knowledge sunk in. Brothers then
flashed trim waistlines at Da, who reached for his axe. Da now sulking
in _his_ tower. Told brothers to flee to nearest Loathly Wood. Hope
Q. Beast invites them to supper. Not holding breath as Q. Beast ot-nay
ery-vay right-bay. Go me!
Day Three
Lancelot visiting for a few as our castle is only off the route to
Camelot by fifty leagues in a befuddled Lancelot sort of way. Said
fleeing Astolat after three nights of pervy dreams involving giggling
and squeaking fair maids.
In other news, Mum still locked in tower. Da still sulking in _his_
tower. No sign of brothers, which is a good thing all around. Go me!
Day Four
Auntie Morgan sent young knight to our castle to deliver v. important
message. Knight two seconds from floater in moat before Da remembered
Mum still in tower. Mum now pouting because young floater knights
totally her idiom, not Dad's.
Auntie Morgan is coming to visit. Says she wants to girl-talk details of
latest Evil Plot with Mum. Da might let Mum out of tower in time if he
can figure out Evil Plot has something in it for him. Not holding
breath. Da also ot-nay ery-vay right-bay.
Young knight a real hottie, no poofter he. _What_ was Auntie Morgan
thinking?
No news from Loathly Wood. Wonder if Pellinore is bothering Q. Beast.
Stupid Pellinore.
Still the smartest.
Day Five
Auntie Morgan such a hottie in a pervy evil enchantress sort of way.
But flowing earth goddess red weave to the knees is sooo last decade.
Copied little beaded temple braids and all-black raiment from me on last
visit here. Auntie Morgan has all the fashion sense of Merlin. Which
is to say, lots of hair and flowing robes. So very unsanitary.
Still the smartest. Tired of holding breath.
Day Six
Auntie Morgan let slip Da is not _my_ Da. Such a relief.
Definitely still the smartest, though. Smartness MUST be from Mystery
Da.
Auntie Morgan wants to take me armor shopping tomorrow. Yay!
Day Seven
Have placed order for v. cool armor in glittering gold instead of
so-yesterday common silver color. Much flashier than dull, boring armor
brothers nance around in. Go me!
Still no news from Loathly Wood. Beginning to wonder if rep. of Q.
Beast highly inflated.
Day Seven
Armor delivered. Can't say much like half-mask sun-god helmet, but def.
uniquely me. Spent half day strutting in front of floor-length mirror
in Mum's room admiring fit. Auntie Morgan speechless on sight, which is
too amazing. Auntie Morgan like babbling brook; flows on and
on and on and on...
Definitely still the smartest.
Day Eight
Is it just me, but am beginning to think Auntie Morgan fancies that
sword-obsessed spooge, Lancelot.
But then, everyone fancies Lancelot. Lancelot too stupid to understand
concept of 'hit on' unless whacked upside head with clue-by-four.
Fancies that whinging Guinevere, but Lancelot constitutionally incapable
of hitting on Her Maj. Anyway, Guinevere too busy enjoying
it-is-good-to-be-queen thing to notice. Besides, Agravaine would kill
Lancelot if he tried anything.
Must be just me.
My armor is prettier than Lancelot's armor.
Still no news from Loathly Wood. Must take matters in own hands. Am v.
disappointed in Q. Beast.
Still the smartest.
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