Kay: A Very Secret Diary, part 1
Day 1
Wart thinks he's so special, just because Father told him that he was v.
special boy, and that he should record his v. precious thoughts. Don't
see what's so special about grubby orphan who doesn't even know names of
own parents. Better take sword and go remind brat how un-special he
actually is. Always the best part of day, anyway, instructing Wart in
manners. Squeals so beautifully, much prettier than our piggies.
Only pretty thing about Wart, unfortunately. Dirty, ragged, chops off own
hair any which way. Can't really blame him -- would be too depressing,
trying to compete with me.
Day 2
Father gave me own sword today! Long and sharp and almost tall as I am!
V. shiny -- love looking at self in reflection. Can't be bothered with
Wart today; too busy playing with own sword. Wart will have to amuse
himself.
Day 3
Haven't seen much of Wart today -- off in forest somewhere, playing with
himself. Can't bring self to care -- have gorgeous new sword! Father
says now old enough to fight in tournament -- tomorrow! Won't be able to
sleep tonight, but doesn't matter; too much fun lying in bed, caressing
long, hard, throbbing sword.
Day 4
Incredibly exciting day! Couldn't think straight when woke up this
morning, so thrilled to be going to Camelot, fighting in tournament,
seeing all the big, strong, studly knights. Hope they like me.
Wart sulking on road, feeling neglected. Poor Wart. Must take few
minutes tomorrow, when Father isn't looking, to reassure him haven't
forgotten about him. A little sword-play will remind Wart that even when
big and famous, won't forget him. Will always be my little Wart.
V. fond of the rascal, actually. Not bad with a sword himself. Quite a
delicate touch.
Day 5
Idiot Wart forgot to pack my beautiful sword! Can't think! Can't
breathe! Must run around in circles screaming and trying to beat living
daylights out of him!
Later -- Wart finally showed up, almost too late, with massive sword,
bigger than he is. Utterly gorgeous. Msut have it. Tried to convince
Father was my sword, but Father not buying it. All confusion.
Day 6
World gone mad. Wart apparently stole important sword, enchanted to drive
men insane. Everyone in Camelot ensorcelled; seem to believe that my Wart
actually long-lost King Arthur. Utterly ridiculous. If they'd heard him
squeal every time gave him little taste of my sword, they'd know better.
Small squealling piggie, all Wart's good for.
Saddest part of all? Nobody paying any attention to me.
Day 7
Hah! Knew Wart wasn't really king. Big battle today -- Wart's pitiful
supporters versus noble, powerful, massive army of knights contesting
claim to kingship. Wart will get trampled. Father won't let me fight;
will have to stay on sidelines and just look pretty. Have brushed golden
locks until gleaming. Perhaps one of the knights will notice and take
me for his squire. Gawain my favorite. He's so big!
Later -- Bloody Wart bloody won bloody battle. (Didn't realize battles
were quite so bloody. Might have to reconsider knighthood idea, as do not
look my best in red. Autumn colors make me look swarthy; more of a
spring, really.) Spell on sword stronger than thought; everyone left
alive apparently delighted to crown Wart king. Ceremony tomorrow. Bloody
hell.
Day 8
Must reconcile self to the facts. Wart king. Not so bad being big
brother of king, right? Secret power behind throne. Heh heh. Behind
throne, get it?
Will be funniest knight as well as the prettiest. Camelot will be
mine!
Day 9
Everyone talking about girl, sister (!), Wart had sex with, got pregnant.
World upside-down! Making me dizzy.
Day 10
Wart made me knight, only bright spot in whole sorry story. Utterly
ignoring me otherwise; too busy being fawned over by other knights, all
hoping to become Wart's favorite. Even Gawain! Too tragic, really. Must
go lie down. Perhaps will wake up and discover was all only strange
dream. Only possible explanation, really. Child hidden in forest,
immovable sword stuck in stone to find king, sex with unknown sister --
events clearly too silly to actually be true story.
[to be continued, a few years later]
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