Arthur: A Very Secret Diary, part 1
Day 1
Foster-father suggested keep diary. Diaries for girls. Not going to
bother. Nothing ever happens here anyway.
Stupid forest.
Day 2
Foster-brother Kay gets to fight in big tournament; gets shiny new sword.
Foster-father says I'm too young for a sword.
Stupid Kay. Stupid swords.
Day 3
Strange old man shows up, says I'm going to be king. Yeah, right. Claims
to be a wizard, wants to show me his staff. Perv. If I'm too young for a
sword, I'm too young for him. Bugger off, old man. Kay will kill you if
you try anything.
Day 4
Dragged along to tournament in Camelot. They only want me to polish Kay's
armor. Stupid tournament. Stupid Camelot.
Old man sneaking along behind us. Don't know why he bothers -- still not
king. Not bloody likely to become king, either.
Day 5
Kay forgot sword. Sent me home to get sword, but found shiny sword, even
bigger and sharper, stuck in grungy old stone. Yanked sword out -- Kay
will never know the difference. Kay is pretty, but dumb as post.
Day 6
King!
Never heard that yanking sword out of stone made someone king, but not
going to point that out now, am I?
Too excited to write more tonight! Big battle tomorrow!
King!
Day 7
Battle over. Killed 6 knights. Big shiny sword apparently grants skill
to twelve year old boy equivalent to grown man having trained for entire
life. Lucky for me! Good to be king!
Exhausted. Must find tent.
Day 8
Girl in tent! Had sex with girl! Kay and the old man can go bugger
themselves -- girl was amazing! Said I was the best ever! Becoming king
has made me irresistibly sexy and handsome. Best-looking knight in
kingdom! And king!
Yay, being king!
Day 9
Old man showed up again. Everyone knows him -- apparently big famous
wizard, Merlin. Says girl was my sister, Morgause. Didn't even know I
had a sister. Yuck. Also says she's going to have my baby. Double yuck.
Babies disgusting.
Day 10
Luckily, plenty of non-sibling girls around who also seem to find me
irresistibly attractive, not to mention a few boys and even some of the
knights. Too late to do anything about sister now. Might as well enjoy
being king. Yay, king!
[to be continued, a few years later]
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