Another person who knows me from Facebook saw me at the Harvest on Harrison fair yesterday and said they didn’t know how I did so much. And I had to laugh, because I was literally shaking with exhaustion at that moment, and it had become clear to me earlier that day that I had absolutely done TOO MUCH the past few days.
Sometimes I get a little compulsive when prepping for fairs and other deadline events — it’s like the anxiety of not being sure there’ll be enough food at a party you’re throwing, so you end up making three times as much as your guests can possibly eat. (Thankfully, rice and curries typically freeze well.) I probably get it from Amma — she used to cook for hundreds of people at our parties, and she’d often be cooking late into the night the day before.
I get anxious that I won’t have enough product to sell, and so I spend many hours making and making and making, and it’s sort of ridiculous, because I may only see a dozen potential customers in the shop on some days, or only a few dozen at some fairs. I have plenty of stock at this point.
BUT WHAT IF EVERYONE DECIDED TO COME ALL AT ONCE???
And that leads to my Friday night, when I was making things past midnight, and then made myself go to bed, and then woke up at 5 a.m. (I’d set my alarm for 6), too anxious to sleep any more, so I got up and made some more things.
And then I was very tired.
Harvest on Harrison was a little cold, and I tried to dress for it — long silk underwear on top and bottom, heavy sweater and jeans, puffer coat, AND a warm wrap over the top. I was okay while I was moving, or when I was drinking a hot beverage, but if I just sat for a while, I got cold. And I know part of that was that I was SO tired — I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, which means my thyroid doesn’t work that well, so my body is not so good at temperature regulation. I can always tell when I’ve been working too hard because I get really cold.
I was also aching all over — my back, my arms, my troublesome elbow, my messed up wrists. When I make too much at once, it’s often very physical, and my body usually reminds me within a day or two that I’m fifty-four, and if I want to keep doing this for another thirty years (and I think I do), then I’d better start pacing myself. Maybe 2-4 hrs / day crafting, and the rest of the time reading, writing, doing computer work (but not so much of the last two that it hurts my wrists), watching TV, or just resting.
(I watch a lot of TV, because I am very bad at just resting.)
So I came home from the event around 5 on Saturday, and I texted Kevin to ask him to get a bath ready for me, and I took some ibuprofen and poured myself into the bath and let the very hot water soak some of the exhaustion and soreness out. And then I went to bed, and watched TV for five hours, until it was actually time to sleep.
And then this morning, I slept in a bit, and chatted with Anand for a while about gaming, and then went and worked my shift at the Shops. I tried to not do too much physical work, but after five hours, I was more than ready for Jen to relieve me to finish out the shift, and I came home, and by 5 p.m., I was climbing into bed again, and I’ve been there ever since. (Alternating watching a Brit crime show, Scott & Bailey, and reading Ann Leckie’s short story collection, Lake of Souls, which I just finished.)
I’m writing all this out mostly for those who look at what I’m doing and dream wistfully about playing with flowers all day. Turning it into a viable business (IF I can do that, TBD!) is a lot of physical labor and often more executive function skills than I think I have (the amount of mental effort it takes me these days to plan a series of workshops is kind of shocking — in my 30s, I could just whip that kind of thing out). Even with all the help I can afford to hire, sometimes I end up running flat out.
Trying to pace myself. Most days I do pretty well balancing it all (so stop fretting, Daddy, I’m fine, I promise). I get my eight hours of sleep a night, I mix the physical work with mental work, I eat tasty and nutritious meals, I remember to take my meds.
Every once in a while, I get caught up in a deadline and forget a lot of that. It’s silly to push that hard, though, unless I really have to — I’ve spent ten extra hours in the last two days lying in bed because I needed it to recover from pushing too hard.
I would beat myself up over being so dense, but I wouldn’t beat up a friend up over that kind of behavior, so let’s just chalk it up to common human frailty. Sometimes we all forget to take care of ourselves. Sometimes we need reminders to slow down.
Here are some sayings in case you also need reminders:
“Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.” (mostly about making fewer errors)
“Festina lente.” (Latin, ‘make haste slowly’)
and of course
“Slow and steady wins the race.” Good old tortoise, beating out that silly hare.
Pic is from when I came home from work today. The sunlight was just really pretty, so I stopped to take a picture.
