But if I'm trying to lose weight myself (and apparently succeeding), will people take it as one more thing to use against the fat acceptance folks? I don't think that my losing weight is actually relevant to anyone else's weight, which results from so many complex factors -- endocrine issues, genetics, severe depression, etc. and so on. But I can't go into a long fat acceptance rant every time someone sees me and notices that I've lost weight. I'll be going to my sister's wedding in a week -- my family will undoubtedly notice my weight loss and comment. Am I obliged to give them the whole political spiel for every comment? How about when one of my fatter relatives gets down on themselves for their weight, which will likely happen at some point during the five days we're together?
I just don't know how to handle the politics. I'm pretty sure I'm being a bad activist, and possibly a bad feminist. Which makes me hesitant to post about how happy I am to be losing weight, or about how much it still bothers me how fat I still am. I'm solidly in regular sizes now, in a comfortable 12 or Large. But my BMI still has me at obese, not even just overweight. And in some ways, even though my clothes make it clear that I'm smaller, I actually feel even fatter, because around my stomach and back, the skin that used to be pleasantly taut over solid flesh, is now loose and jiggly. I'm assuming that if I keep exercising, that'll firm up again over time, but right now, it feels kind of creepy and decidedly unattractive. (Unattractive to me, not to Kevin, thankfully.)
I went shopping today. Gap is having some big 30% off everything in the store sale, and between that and the Ann Taylor Loft, I bought a new fall shirt and sweater in size 12 for teaching (which, in retrospect, was maybe not so smart, since I hope to be a 10 by September when I'd be wearing these), and a new outfit to wear to brunch with my sister's fiance's parents on Wednesday. I'm excited about the clothes, and how I look in them. I've just dreaded seeing myself in photos recently, and there are going to be a lot of photos this coming week, and I'm hoping I look okay in them.
But I feel bad even saying that, because if I think I look bad in a size 14-16, then what am I saying about other people that size, or larger? I find a lot of women gorgeous and sexy in larger sizes than I'm comfortable being myself. What the hell does that mean?