Ran across a really…

Ran across a really great post this morning: Still, Sometimes You're the Asshole. It's not quite how I would have phrased it, but it has really excellent advice on dealing with coming out issues and family -- advice that I think applies no matter what you're coming out about. (I.e., interracial dating, being queer, being poly, not wanting to be a doctor, writing smut and publishing it on the internet, etc. and so on...) Go on, read it -- this entry won't make much sense otherwise.

For the most part, I think I follow her advice these days, and when I do put it into practice, I'm usually surprisingly happy with the results. As an example, I'm in the midst of sending out birth announcements for Kavi, and they're going to all the relatives and some family friends even though Kevin and I aren't married and some of these folks are quite conservative. If we'd been doing this ten years ago, I might have left some of them off the list, out of fear -- fear of shocking them, fear of confrontation, whatever. But now, I'll tell them all our good news, and if a couple of them make snide comments about unwed mothers and bastard children -- well, they're the ones that'll look tacky and mean, not me. Most of them, I suspect, will be just fine, if not immediately, then eventually. And at Christmas, I can bring Kevin and Kavi to the big family event with no fear of someone 'finding out'.

I spent a long long time not making a space for my family to deal with Kevin -- much less Karina and bi and poly and all. It seemed easier at the time to avoid the issue, but as a result, they barely got to know Karina in the three years we were dating her, which I really regret. I wish they had had a chance to understand why I loved her, and to learn to love her too. When you act out of fear, everyone loses in the end.

2 thoughts on “Ran across a really…”

  1. That’s so good, I wish I had thought of that rule years ago… I hope I have the curage to follow it from now on.


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