Okay, okay, I’ve been…

Okay, okay, I've been bad, I know. I really meant to get back to the entry Monday, but I was so exhausted, I just fell asleep really early. In my defense, I'd like to point out that it *is* the last week of classes, and I *do* have a major final paper due next week, and I *am* throwing a huge holiday party this Friday. So forgive me. December may be a bit sketchy.

I can't buy kamagra online now even write as much now as I'd like, 'cause I'm in the throes of finishing up the stuff I'm handing in for my Fiction class (everything I've done this semester). Due at 3, so I'd best run, but I really will try to write again later today, possibly around 5-ish. There's lots going on in my life right now, and I'd love to tell you all about it, but I'm just swamped.

(Thanksgiving) Lydia’s…


  • Lydia's feeling better
  • I'll be at SiliCon Saturday - maybe I'll see some of you
  • I have my health
  • I have you guys
  • I published a book
  • It's not snowing
  • I'm progressing on my novel
  • I can walk down the street and see bougainvillea
  • I am loved
  • It's raining
  • I can make a fire if I want
  • I'm listening to Flash Girls (Emma Bull's band)
  • My publisher is a nice guy
  • I'll probably be able to make rent
  • I'm discovering that Lydia and I have an appalling amount in common
  • Sherman's parents are cool people to have Thanksgiving with
  • I've written a lot more poetry this year
  • All of my friends and family are basically healthy
  • They haven't blown up the planet yet
  • Spring is coming (okay, not soon, but it's coming :-)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Eat too much.

*yawn* Good morning,…

*yawn* Good morning, everyone. Still feeling kinda groggy - I was a little sick yesterday and am still a bit out of it today. Better, though. Am generally in a pretty good mood (though Kitten is still missing :( ), mostly because I was quite productive last week and therefore don't have any deadlines this week. I'm actually caught up! :-) Not for very long, I'm sure, but at the moment I'm a) making satisfactory progress on my paper, b) on track with the novel, c) finished with a very good interview with the first dominatrix, Selene, for the article, d) and almost done with a little piece for Sizzle. Not to mention my house is fairly clean. :-)

Thida's party was great fun Saturday (her parents are delightful :-), and the only bummer was that we had to leave early to return the car so Steven could go to work....oh, it's complicated and dreary. Never mind. Sunday was basically a lazy day aside from the interview with Selene (who was intelligent as well as lovely, hooray!) -- we mostly cleaned and organized and watched some television (Sherman and Owen and I). Sherman and Owen are in the process of majorly rearranging their apartment -- fun to watch.

Also, I think I finally have a handle on the majordomo stuff for the erotica list -- with any luck, it's just about ready to kick into action. It should simplify my list management job enormously (though it's been a lot of extra work preparing for the switchover. :-)

Okay, off to work. Have a good week, everyone! (I'm going to Sherman's parents' place for Thanksgiving, along with about 10 other friends of Sherman's (they're very generous people :-), so there will probably be no interruption of your diary service over the holiday -- they live in the area).

Oh, this might amuse you. I did an author interview with Amazon books this morning -- if you click on this page, it'll take you to the M's, and I'm currently the last entry there. You probably know all the stuff in the interview, but you might want to take a look.

I cannot rave enough…

I cannot rave enough about Star Trek: First Contact. It was absolutely fabulous. You must go see it. I can see why a lot of reviews are calling it the best Star Trek movie ever (yes, even better than Wrath of Khan). I admit, there was one tiny moment when I felt one of the characters was out of character -- but a very minor flaw indeed. Even if you don't watch Star Trek, I think you could really like this movie -- and if you do already like Trek, you'll love it. Heck, even if you hate the movie, the trailers for the Star Wars trilogy are astonishing! :-)

Otherwise, not much to report. Saw it with Kevin's sister and a bunch of his friends, which was fun/odd. (Did I mention he's from the area?) I've met them all (well, most of them) before, but it's still a trifle disconcerting. Hard to say why -- maybe 'cause they knew Kev when he was five years old. :-) Anyway, nice people, and we had a thoroughly good time.

Slept badly, though -- woke up with nightmares a couple of times. Been doing that a lot lately -- some stress with my parents. Oh well. The other bad thing in my life right now is that my cat is missing. Been calling around for days, and nobody's seen her. Going down to the city pound today to see whether they have her. Hopefully she just got mad at me and went off to sulk somewhere -- maybe she found someone who feeds her better food. Kev's afraid she probably got hit by a car, though. :(

Going to Thida's birthday party today, (she's the SO of Cliff, my new roommate (Cliff is also a friend of mine and Sherman's from college)) which should be fun. In fact, going soon, so I'd probably head out. Hope you're having a good weekend, everyone.

Star Trek…

Star Trek Tonight!

I'm actually struggling to be in a good mood (odd for me in the mornings -- normally it comes naturally). I slept terribly last night (hard time falling asleep and then lots of nightmares afterwards) and woke up to pouring rain. Luckily, the rain has since stopped (I like rain lots, but not when I have to walk through it to school, especially since I can't remember if my flute case is waterproof), and I'm listening to good music, and there's some of Ellison's banana bread left, and I've already done about an hour's productive work (it's 8:30 a.m. now), so good mood is slowly rising. :-) It would mostly help that in an hour I get to go to a class I really like, except that we've got just too few classes left 'til the concert, and it makes me nervous. Oh well -- we won't bomb or anything, we're definitely competent, but still. You want to be more than competent, you know? Beautiful. :-)

Not much else to say this early in the morning -- nothing else has happened to me today, and I think I gave you a pretty damn complete journal yesterday. I did write a poem late last night, as part of my struggle to fall asleep, Emotion Triumphs Over Form.

Argh. Missed…

Argh. Missed registration for Spring. Have to pay a fee. Argh. How annoying, especially since it's entirely my own fault.

Oh well...otherwise, things are going fairly well. Spent some time yesterday signing autograph labels for my book - very exciting. :-) I'm sure I'll get tired of it at some point, but right now, it's all still a little hard to believe. Now I think the next step is to wander around to local bookstores with a copy and ask them to carry it. Not quite sure how one goes about this, but Good Vibrations and Blowfish have already said they're definitely interested in carrying it. :-) Have to ask my editor if he can send Blowfish a review copy.

I've also recently contracted with Puritan to do another novella (for about four months from now - space opera farce :-) Y'know the old style -- Galaxy Janet Meets the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon VI -- should be a lot of fun. A nice change from the very bleak horror piece I just finished for them. I'm also working on an article for them on the bdsm scene in S.F. -- specifically, interviewing local professional dominatrices (is that the right spelling of the plural?). Should be interesting, at the very least. :-)

I quit the Mills web page job yesterday. It just didn't make sense, financially -- I should have listened to Kevin when he told me so. It kept getting pushed to last priority (after academics, novel, and work contracts), which is reasonable, but not fair to them. Hopefully they'll be able to find someone good to replace me.

Hey, are any of you involved with the game/product-testing industry in the Bay Area? Sherman's having a rough time right now -- got laid off, and while he was accepted for a job almost immediately at another company, their budget got slashed, and they weren't able to hire him after all. If you have any contacts in the industry, let me know, please, and I'll forward the info to him. (Or you can mail him directly - sherman@cyborganic.net).

Did some work on my academic paper this morning -- it's fascinating in its own way, but not coalescing to a thesis very well. Lots of interesting bits. Maybe I'll make some of you read what I have so far and see if you can make sense of it. :-)

Some interesting twists in the novel lately. Among other things, it looks like it's going to be a trilogy (no, not a trilogy!!!) rather than just one book -- that seems to be the way the structure is working out. Which means a) it's more marketable, but b) I have to write about three times as many words. :-) Still, it's kind of fun planning to have Our Heroine in terribly dire straits at the end of book 1... (and no, I'm not giving it away, 'cause I may change my mind entirely by the time I finish the darn thing). I wonder if I need to finish the second and third books before I start shopping the first one around....well, I'm probably getting ahead of myself, since I'm only 120 pages into book 1 (and it'll be at LEAST double that when it's done). I think I may also need a new title (well, three of them, with maybe an overarching title). Not sure I want to stick with "Dreams by Lamplight", though I am fond of it. Storm Constantine did great titles (though Sherman thinks they're pretentious). Ah well.

2:00 - Long entry today. It's a rainy day, and in fact, I'm somewhat trapped on campus because I didn't bring a jacket. So I can either get rather drenched going home, or wait and hope it stops soon. Just ate too much lunch (why do I always overestimate how much I really want?) and am so feeling very sedate, so I think I will sit in this computer room, reading and writing and thinking for a while. Maybe the rain will stop. In the meantime, it's lovely.

I am running out of words for beautiful. In the novel, since the heroine is a courtesan, beauty is much a concern. I'm fascinated by beauty, by its arbitrariness, by its importance, by the way a single red tree in a field of green or an angle of cheekbone or the motion of light on water can catch at your heart and you say, "oh, how beautiful". And who knows what that word means, because it's also the sound of a single saxophone at night, or a perfect chocolate mousse, or the musky scent of your lover -- it's not just visual at all -- it's not even necessarily concrete. The idea that there may be (should be) other races on other planets in the cosmos, or the perfection of Hume's skepticism, or the impossible idealism of the young...how can those be other than beautiful? And I can say lovely, gorgeous, beautiful, exquisite, attractive, radiant, superb, pretty, but already we have gotten too specific, and there is just too much that is simply beautiful, and not enough words to say it. It's enough to drive a poor writer mad.

*smile* I'm not really complaining. I have the best job in the world, and well I know it (though occasionally, I have vague yearnings to be Emma Thompson), and the frustrations come with the territory. I am certainly tempted to coin a new word for vagina, 'cause there just isn't anything appropriate. I want something descriptive, but not clinical, not euphemistic, not crass or crude. The equivalent of breast, or even leg. Just a neutral word that I can then flavor as I like. Ah well...

I'm rambling...I assume that's not a problem with y'all. You know, many of you, when you write to me, say that it's odd -- that you feel like you know me, despite having never met me. Some even say that they feel uncomfortable that I don't know them as well, and proceed to pour out all sorts of fascinating details about their own lives. :-) This journal is an odd blend of a little introspection, such as you might really find in a journal, and a whole lot of chattiness. I feel like I'm writing a letter to a friend(s)...and I sometimes forget that the people reading this aren't just the people I've actually corresponded with (some of you daily :-), but more of an open letter to the world. This isn't a problem, and I'm not saying you must all write to me so I feel more aware/comfortable. It's actually a part of being a writer that comes fairly easily to me, the openness/extrovertedness/baring of the soul (and all the petty, pathetic details as well). Oh, I don't tell you in detail - here are my faults - but if you've been reading this journal all along (almost a year now), then you probably know them pretty well. I guess I'm lucky it comes easily to me.

Though perhaps unlucky as well, in a way. Writers are generally supposed to be introverts rather than extroverts (supposed to be not in an intentionality sort of way, but more of that's the way it tends to be sort of way), and I don't think I'm typical. I'm perhaps not as introspective as I should be -- crunching out pages and pages of prose comes easily to me, but deep and meaningful insights into the human heart....well, I tend to rely on my friends to tell me when I need to do some work on my own psyche. (They're pretty good at it too. If you ever need a swift kick in the pants, I can refer you to some excellent people). Maybe if I spent more time in introspection, though, my work would be deeper...

Ah, I'm probably just whining again. Nobody gets it easy -- deep and meaningful insights don't come cheap. :-) Figure I just do what I'm doing and hope I get wiser as I go along. I'm only 25 - I've got at least another 5-10 years of being called a 'young' writer (probably no matter WHAT I write...:-)

4:30 - 111 pages on the novel. A lucky sign. :-) Time to knock off work and head home, I think. Ellison's (housemate) parents are coming this weekend, and I promised to help him scrub the house.

Oh, I’ve been very bad….

Oh, I've been very bad. Sorry, everyone, but this week has been highly work intensive. It has, however, also been productive, and I'm fairly pleased with the good progress I made on the novel. In other news, my book arrived today! Yes, it's the first copy, absolutely amazing, and it looks gorgeous. Oh, I admit it's a little thin, at only 128 pages (I kept having this image of this 500-page hardcover beauty, though I knew darn well I hadn't written one :-), and I did find one typo, but I just don't care! It's a book a book a book and it's all mine!

I am feeling rather smug. :-)

Can't chat long, 'cause I have to finish up some stuff before class, but I did want to check in with you guys. The next couple of days will also be crazy -- in fact, you probably shouldn't expect regular reports from me 'til classes end in mid-December. :-) The diary is going to be truly erratic for a while. Hope you all get to go see the opening of Star Trek: First Contact -- I'm going to be going! :-)

5:00 - Gosh, tired. Going home, but wanted to drop a note that you might want to check out Sean's Journal. I haven't actually read it, but since he's one of my journal readers, I thought I'd pass it along. :-)

Also, Allen requested more recipes. :-) Well, I haven't done anything too exciting lately, but here's what I threw together for lunch yesterday, when Sherman requested 'something Italian':

Garlic Pepper Sausage with Onion-Tomato Sauce

Okay, this isn't going to be in traditional recipe format -- I'm just going to tell you. You start with the sauce, which is basically a tomato sauce, 'cept I use way more onion that normally called for. Two large onions, chopped, lots of garlic chopped, sauteed in olive oil; add two pounds plum tomatoes chopped and lots of Italian spices and some black pepper and salt. Cook for a while. Meantime, sautee one large red onion, sliced until soft. Add precooked garlic sausage sliced into thin rounds, and a fair bit of black pepper and hot paprika. Cook spaghetti and serve together. Gosh, I skipped a lot of details - hope you got the gist. Very simple beginner's recipe.

Was at Lydia's for dinner and Balderdash last night (fun game I hadn't played before. Came in 2nd. :-) and she made a really impressive 'cheap and sleazy salmon shepherds' pie'. I think what she did was boil potatoes, cook frozen mixed vegetables in the meantime, defrost salmon and debone and chop up, mix with vegetables and season, mash potatoes with a little margerine, layer potatoes over vegetable salmon mix in a baking dish and bake for 20 minutes. I was writing a story with Kaylie and then watching Sherman cruelly beat on Kira at chess (he *says* he was teaching her, but I have my doubts, considering he took her queen almost immediately), so I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention, but that's the best I can extrapolate, and it was delicious.

Well, today’s the day my…

Well, today's the day my Chicago account goes away. :( I feel as if I should call and complain or something, but oh well. Too busy to waste time on those idjits.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Sorry I didn't write anything, but I was busy working from noon to almost midnight. See, Mills hosted a branch of the annual Writers' Harvest last night (a fundraiser by writers for hunger relief across the U.S.). I had planned to help them out a lot more, but kind of forgot, so my guilt kicked in yesterday, and I spent the day helping run errands, set up food, clean up, sell books, etc. I'm not sure how much we raised, but a goodly amount, I think, and the readers were fabulous. Floyd Salas, Sesshu Foster, April Sinclair and Beth Lisick -- all writers I wasn't familiar with because I'm so out of the loop regarding contemporary writers, and it's clear I've been missing out. Sesshu was up from L.A., but I think the others are all Bay Area folks, so if you're in the area and hear they're doing a reading, you should definitely check them out. Beth Lisick in particular is a performance poet and amazingly funny -- she tells me she performs regularly at Cafe du Nord in S.F. I'm going to go hear her again next week if I can squeeze in the time.

So today I had a good ensemble class, as usual (only two more classes until we perform, argh! (you are, of course, all cordially invited to hear me play, Friday December 6th, 12 noon, Mills campus chapel). Just finishing up e-mail and then I'm running up to Berkeley to get a decent lunch and do some research at the library. (I had a donut for breakfast. Very bad. The food options on the Mills campus are most unappealing).

I think I may hang out up there for a while, in a coffeeshop or outside on the grass, reading Crowley's Little, Big. It's excellent, which I should have expected, considering that LeGuin said of it, "A book that all by itself calls for a redefinition of fantasy." It's certainly making me think of new ways of structuring my novel (what, again?? :-). This poor novel.

Okay, I think that's all for now. I had two ideas for poems last night, but don't think they've jelled quite yet. Perhaps later today...

--Wrote one of the poems. Rather different from what I've been writing lately. Here is:


A petty poem.


I imagined her smooth,
soft skin turned dry and scaled
with age and neglect;
the whitening of her lush hair,
the souring of her body.

Time would shake beauty from her,
if beauty exists, until she became
a bare and scrawny trunk
surrounded by wisps of past glory.

Her muffled cries would fade
into the years, and the shine
love lent her eyes would
dissolve into a tired dream --

or so I thought;
I thought that love was
nothing so important after all,
and I could shrug, indifferent,
and let her walk away
with her wet cheeks
and anger --

and oh, if I could take back that day!


That is what you'll say
the day after I leave you.


You were warned.

M.A. Mohanraj
November 15, 1996

<grin>A little silly, I know, but I think I like it.