Well, given the way I’ve…

Well, given the way I've been driving myself these last weeks, I'm only surprised it hasn't happened sooner; I woke up this morning feeling really ill. Just exhaustion, I think, although I've been sneezing too, so maybe there's a bit of a cold. Called and told Julie that I wouldn't make it to morning class; tried to go back to sleep and couldn't; worked on the recipes some more. I *think* I've got them all now, and the formatting is almost done. Another half hour or so and I think they'll be ready. I realized while I was doing them that another side benefit is that I now know what recipes have been mentioned in the journal. There were times when I thought about adding a recipe, and then couldn't remember if I'd ever typed it in before (for example, there are two versions of the potato curry), and got lazy and decided not to bother. I no longer have that excuse -- I can easily check. :-)

Of course, I should have been working on other things, but I think I'll have enough time today to finish everything. Things to do:

  • Call Cleis and see if the new Queen book is out
  • Finish transcribing interview
  • Edit interview
  • Fetch it to e-mail, since my disk drive is broken
  • Go to campus and put on disk; print out; mail to Jeff
  • Revise "Poly"
  • Print out non-fiction
  • Write self-assessments for fiction and non-fiction
  • Hand whole pile in to Julie
  • Take sailing test
It looks like a lot, but I actually think it shouldn't be difficult to finish by 5, even if I take it slow. I should remember to eat. I'd cook something for breakfast, but the pile of dishes from last night is truly scary; maybe I can persuade Heather to come by and help with them (she offered last night, but it was late and I told her to leave them). Think good thoughts for her, guys; she has an interview today.

Speaking of last night, and food, and recipes, here's a couple of the recipes from dinner.


Spaghetti Squash Frittata

Okay, so this is my first experience with spaghetti squash. The only reason I even made this is 'cause I had some to use up. The only reason I had them is 'cause El asked me to buy butternut squash for a soup she was making and I bought these by mistake. Heather apparently really likes spaghetti squash, though, so I nerved myself up to cook them. It came out really well; the two of us polished it off. Long recipe, but not hard. Feeds two (with sides), takes about a half hour.

Cooking the Squash

This is the first part of the recipe. You can cook the squash ahead of time and freeze it; it keeps for about a month. 1/2 a squash comes to a little more than a full cup cooked (or it did for me, anyway).

1. Cut squash in half lengthwise. Remove and discard seeds. In microwavable baking dish large enough to hold them, set squash halves, cut-side down. Add 1 c. water and microwave on High (100%) for 20 minutes, rotating dish 1/2 turn every 5 minutes, until squash is tender.

2. Remove from oven and let squash stand for 5 minutes. Remove squash from water and let stand until cool enough to handle. Using a fork, scoop out pulp.

3. Store 1/2-cup servings of pulp in resealable plastic freezer bags or containers. Label and freeze for up to 1 month.

Okay, all right so far? Easy, if a bit time-consuming.

Squash Frittata

1 c. thawed spaghetti squash
4 eggs, beaten lightly
2 T chopped fresh Italian (flat-leaf) parsley
1 T grated Parmesan
1/2 chopped medium red onion
3 minced garlic cloves
1/2 t. salt
Dash ground red pepper

1. In large mixing bowl combine all ingredients, mixing well. Grease microwavable pie plate and spread mixture over bottom of plate.

2. Microwave on High (100% for 6 minutes. Sitr outside of mixture toward the center of pie plate.

3. Microwave on Medium (50%) for 6 minutes, stirring mixture once half-way through cooking. Let stand 1 minute before serving.


Okay, here's a really simple recipe that goes well with the spaghetti squash frittata and that you can cook while the other is going (one in the microwave, one on the stove :-).

Creamy Tomato-Corn Soup

2 c. canned stewed tomatoes
1/2 c. milk
1/2 c. frozen corn
a little cream if you have it
1 T. butter
a few grinds of pepper
1/2 t. salt

1. Combine tomatoes, milk and corn in small saucepan; bring to a boil and then turn to a simmer. Simmer 5 minutes.

2. Add remaining ingredients and stir to combine; simmer 5-10 minutes. Serve. :-)

I also used some pizza bread and sprinkled with sundried tomatoes and fresh rosemary from the garden (*that* was exciting! got the parsley there too) and drizzles of oil and burnt garlic. The burnt part was a mistake. :-) Bake ten minutes at 400.

Okay, enough chatting about food. Going to call Cleis and get started on the real work. Have a good day, my dears.

12:20. Well, feeling kind of stretched, but still going. Wish I had some juice here. Good thing I had some frozen tamales in the freezer that I could microwave for lunch; not up to cooking. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with a friend tonight; hope I'm feeling okay for it. That's not 'til 7, though, and I need to drop everything else off by 5, so maybe I'll take a nap in between.

I'm halfway through editing the Queen article. I stopped transcribing at 9000 words when I realized that while I still had a good 1/3 of the interview left to transcribe, that since I had less than 8000 words for the article, including intro, I'd really just better stop now. Hopefully I can finish transcribing it later, and perhaps publish the full version at some point; it's an amazing conversation -- she's so darn cool.

Okay, drink some tea, then back to work. I think tomorrow I'm just going to rest! Sleep, sleep, glorious sleep...

2:15. Well, finished the Queen article, but realized that I have a fever. Life goes up, life goes down. Took some acetominaphen (sp?) and am planning to lie down for the next hour and hope that Heather has a chance to give me a ride to campus (assuming she actually gets my message in time) If not, I'll have to think about walking there. Ick.

The suspense mounts. Will Mary Anne finish revising her story? Will she write the self-assessments? Will Heather get the message? Will Mary Anne fall over on her way to campus? (Okay, that one's highly unlikely). Will everything get turned in on time, and will she still go out to the Blue Nile for dinner? (I know you care. :-)

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Heh. Heather’s so good…

Heh. Heather's so good about her journal that it makes me feel guilty about keeping mine current. Y'all benefit. :-)

Well, got up early for the first time in a while, today. Things have been so crazy for so long; even though I'm tired right now, it seems worth it to just be in this early morning space again. The light today is very similar to the way it was in Seattle last summer; I've found the chai Alex and I used to drink there, and I've recently started playing that Clannad CD again. Very odd. Comforting, but it feels like I should be writing science fiction rather than academic papers.

I'm almost done with academic papers, at least for a good long while. The last one is done today, on Freeman, and even if I didn't do quite as much research on it as Tom would have liked, or taken it in the direction he was really interested by, I think it's going to be a good paper. That's satisfying -- I wouldn't want to go out on a shoddy job.

Self-assessments are due in fiction and creative nonfiction as well, and I have one more piece to revise for cnf. Then I'm really done. A reading on Saturday, which should be pleasant. A ceremony the Saturday following. I keep thinking there's something more (oh, I have to pick up seating tickets today, must remember, tomorrow's the deadline) I need to do; oh, right, the final sailing test. Have to call and check about that -- I missed class last Friday rushing around doing thesis stuff. I *think* that's it.

I'm really looking forward to being done with school for a while. I've learned a lot, and some of the classes have been wonderful, but my time at Mills has been a very odd experience. I think some of it may simply be part of being a grad student rather than an undergrad -- the work is better; the work is incredible, but the social life/theatre/friends hasn't been the same. Maybe it's just me, though...I think I was a bit of a mistfit at Mills. I realized yesterday that there wasn't a single person I knew well enough to collect hugs from when I needed them; that's probably at least partly my fault. I've been so busy with my other life (what I thought of as my real life), that I didn't put much energy into finding friends at Mills. Lots of great colleagues, though, who have taught me so much about writing, so I really can't complain. And maybe I just goofed off too much as a college student (which *would* explain the far better G.P.A. I have now. :-) Can't say I regret that either, though. Fodder for poetry and stories :-)

I'm going to start working on my paper at 7, but before that, I'm going to try to finish setting up that recipes page I've been promising y'all. It may not be well organized for a while, but I'll do my best. If you feel like skimming through the journal and seeing if there are any I missed, that'd certainly be appreciated.

I hope you're all doing well, you shadowy figures. Oh, I receive updates from some of you, especially when things aren't going so well, and I admit that I probably don't have the time to keep up with you all, especially since the consistuency of the readership changes. I suppose it's reading Heather's journal that's reminded me how little I know about the rest of you. Some of these pages may be moving soon (though the main site will remain at www.iam.com), and when that happens, perhaps I'll learn how to write a CGI script so that y'all can talk to me up here, and I can talk back, and you can talk to each other. If you're willing to admit to the world that you read erotica, that is. :-) (Oh, I know, you came here by some completely innocent means. You were looking for a chai recipe, that's it, and you're shocked, simply shocked, to learn that there's sexual material on these pages! You'll have to write your Congressman...)

Okay, time's slipping away. Talk to you later, my dears.

4:00. Well, doing the recipes section took longer than expected (because I was trying to find some clipart and Netscape kept crashing -- I *must* budget some money for more RAM sometime soon), so I didn't start the paper 'til close to 8, which meant I handed it in closer to 1 p.m. than the noon I told Tom to expect it (it also ended up being a couple pages longer than expected), but hopefully he'll forgive me (and forgive the extra pages he'll have to read, poor man (don't pity him too much -- he has a beautiful and talented writer wife, gorgeous children, a great job, *and* an English accent. What more can any man ask for? :-)). Seriously, Tom's been very patient with me, this semester. I've been lucky to work with him and Julie.

Well, the most recent exciting news is that I'll be giving the graduate speech at graduation. This would be more exciting if I didn't *know* that half an hour from the deadline, when I turned in my entry for the contest, mine was the only one they had. I suspect I won by default, but I guess I'll take it anyway. :-)

Tonight I finish the Carol Queen interview and send it off to Jeff, who needs to fill some space in the magazine badly. I can definitely use the money, so it'll be good to finish it.

Okay, I've paid my school bills, I've returned my Writing Center key -- oh, I have a library book, right. Got to clear that up or they won't let me graduate. :-) Which would be embarrassing since I'm supposed to speak...

I hope they let me revise the speech before I present it. I wrote it rather quickly...okay, I think I'm just babbling now. Talk to you later.

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May Song As I walked…

May Song

As I walked to school this morning
through the warm drizzling rain, I realized
that I wore too many clothes.

Cloak, sweater, dress, shirt,
underwear, socks, shoes.
Too many.

And all I wanted at that moment
was to pull them off and go
find you, and take you dancing
in the rain, in the woods,
under the dark spreading branches,
or go rolling in thick-scented
fields of wet grass, with our hair
curling damp around our faces,
with our bodies warm and wet.

Now, it has started pounding down,
and it will take an effort of will
to walk away from this computer,
and sit down, in a circle of students
in my classroom, and discuss
Edith Wharton,
when I would so much rather...

Well, you know.


2:50. It's a day for poetry, apparently.

Grad Student Haiku

The thesis is done --
signed and turned in. Is this peace
unfolding within?

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Okay, brace yourselves,…

Okay, brace yourselves, my dears. As a result of some conversations with Heather, and memory of gentle prodding from Paul, I've reorganized this journal. Or at least it will be reorganized from this point on (not sure I have the energy to go back and rearrange the many months of earlier entries). For your convenience, the latest entry will now be at *both*: http://www.mamohanraj.com/Diary/current.html (which is where your browsers are probably bookmarked to) *and* in the listing for that month, which will be in chronological order from now on (rather than reverse chronological). This should be much easier for people who are new to the journal to read, while maintaining the convenience of those who want a daily fix to keep their browser pointed to the same place. If you hate the change, tell me quick, before inertia takes over and this becomes locked in stone...

I wonder if pico has a command that takes me to end of file. That would save time in editing the new versions.

Gosh, I really ought to get to work, now. If you *must* know what I did in the last week, stop by Heather's journal; she was around for most of it. :-)

Talk to you soon!

5:15 - Finished revising "Amanda Means Love"! Huzzah! (After only three hours of procrastination, I finally sat down to work). Will now hand it in to Julie for Fiction class along with self-assessment I am about to write, and will also send out to _Asimov's_, where it will probably weird out Gardner. Cliff claims he'll like it, but won't buy it. We'll see.

Also fed me and Heather, and since she seemed to like it, I offer the recipe below (I'm learning a lot about feeding vegetarians):

Apple-Onion Crepes
__________________

1-2 red onions
4 apples
cinnamon
2-4 T. butter
2 T. sugar

1. Chop onions and apples finely.
2. Saute onions in butter until soft; add apples, generous sprinkle cinnamon and sugar, and saute 5 minutes. Set aside.
3. Make crepes as directed in Fannie Farmer (or earlier journal entry -- I really must make a separate recipes page)
4. Put a couple spoons of apple mixture in crepe, grate a little cheddar over, and roll and serve. Yum. Best eaten hot.

10:30. Well, "Leek Soup" came back from Sword and Sorceress. A nice form rejection; not quite the right 'feel' to it. I revised another story I'd been considering sending her, "A Different Kind of Rescue", a light, fluffy fantasy piece. Fun, 1500 words. Will send it out tomorrow, and perhaps she'll like it.

And then I read some excerpts from Carole Maso's The Art Lover for tomorrow's class. And I was blown away, even more so than I was by her novel, Ghost Dance. And when I put the xeroxes down I thought, "this is the sort of thing I should be writing, not fluffy fantasy stories". And I was really depressed for a few minutes. Her work had gotten me all emotionally entangled and wrenched my heart and to think of what I'd just finished revising seemed so petty -- such a letdown.

But then I thought about how stressful this semester has been, and how often I've turned to children's books, or light fantasy for relief. I don't think escapism is a bad thing; I think it can be a joy, a time and space for breath when the world is too much with us...

So I'll send off my light little fantasy story, and remember that it made Heather laugh when she read it, and if it gets published, maybe it'll bring smiles to lots of faces. And that's a good thing, in and of itself.

Not that lets me off the hook on writing the hard stuff, though. :-) Just not tonight, I think.

Back to the homework, my dears. Sleep well...

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Hello, everyone. A bit…

Hello, everyone. A bit of a rushed morning; I got attacked by bugs in the middle of last night, so I got up and dragged me and my comforter to the living room couch, where I slept like a log, through the alarm going off in my room, until Ian woke me up half an hour late. Not a terrible crisis, but it does mean the morning is a little more rushed than usual.

But now I'm dressed and my biscuits are baking (planned to stick a couple in with the Ethiopian veggie curry from Sunday night and take to school for lunch) and I just have a few more crits left that I think I can finish off between classes. So I'm okay. Oh, I should pack my bag. Hang on...

Okay, packed. I think we may be starting _The Bluest Eye_ in survey class, which should provide for an interesting discussion. Honestly, I've lost track a bit of where we are in the syllabus. :-) I should also be getting another batch of student papers. I'm getting quite fond of these gals...funny how you get to know them through their work.

Must remember to put "Leek Soup" in the mail today! Marion's reading period is very very short.

It's grey and cool out, but my spirits are still up, thank goodness. Maybe it's the biscuits baking. :-) Oh, I did want to tell you about another Tiptree book I read. It's called _The Starry Rift_, and has three linked stories in it. The second two were fine stories, but the first one -- oh, the first one encapsulated everything I read sf for growing up. Here -- I'm going to quote the first paragraphs at you, and even if she is a blonde, she's me, or the me I was at fifteen or so...

"Heroes of space! Explorers of the starfields!
Reader, here is your problem:
Given one kid, yellow-head, snub-nose-freckles, green-eyes-that-stare-at-you-level, rich-brat, girl-type fifteen-year-old. And all she's dreamed of, since she was old enough to push a hologram button, is heroes of First Contacts, explorers of far stars, the great names of Humanity's budding Star Age. She can name you the crew of every Discovery Mission; she can sketch you a pretty accurate map of Federation space and number the Frontier Bases; she can tell you who first contacted every one of the fifty-odd races known; and she knows by heart the last words of Han Lh Han, when, himself no more than sixteen, he ran through alien flame-weapons to drag his captain and pilot to safety, on Lyrae 91-Beta..."

Okay, I'll stop there, but it keeps going, and just gets better and better. I'll warn you that it's not entirely a happy story -- I was sobbing hopelessly at one point, but it felt so right...ah, I can't explain it. If you were one of those kids who would have given anything to go into space, even if you had to be a janitor, or hell, *ballast*, then you'll understand. And if you weren't, well, maybe if you find this story and read it you'll understand us a little.

You know, if they came to me right now and said, "We've got a mission into the uncharted depths and what we think is a fuzzy radio signal coming at us but there's only a ten percent chance of return, do you want it?" I think I'd grab it. I don't think I'd even hesitate -- and I can't explain that at all, except that maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe everyone who wants to be a pioneer is nuts. :-) Some kinds of craziness, I think the race needs a little of. Just a little.

Have a lovely day, my dears.

11:00 p.m. Well, Ginu has signed off on my thesis. One down, two to go.

Heather came by for dinner with me and Ian; she's sounding better, which is good. Losing a job can be so jarring...and job-hunting has got to rank in the top five most-depressing activities. (Please don't send me a list of ten things that are more depressing; I can't cope.)

I'm sorry -- do I sound a bit touchy? I'm feeling a bit touchy, I guess. Difficult conversation with Kevin; not bad, but difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm steering without a rudder, y'know? Or, more accurately, I thought I was having a nice quiet sail on Lake Merritt in a big boat with my teacher keeping an eye on me from the motorboat on a lovely sunny day, and instead I find out that I'm out in the Bay...no, I'm not in the Bay, I'm in the ocean with outdated charts...no, it's not even our ocean, I've got the charts for our ocean, but this is a parallel universe ocean that is just slightly subtly different, except where it's drastically, dramatically different, which is where the big pointy rocks come in, oh yes, and did I mention the storm, the storm and me on this itty bitty boat 'cause the nice big boat has shrunk! and it's just me with no teacher in sight and a alternate universe ocean and a tiny boat and a torn sail so I'm using the damn tiller to scull the stupid boat and oh yeah, the rain and the wind and lightning and the thunder and the memory of this thin, distant spark of light that I *think* might be that lovely lighthouse on the shore that I saw so many days, months, years ago.

Yes, *that*'s a better metaphor.

Well, more descriptive, anyway.

Heh. I bet you're all ruing the day I signed up for sailing class.

It made me feel better, anyway. Thanks the gods and little fishes for writing. (Hey, fish -- I forgot to put a whale in there. Maybe I should go back and...just kidding.)

You would think that after six years,
thousands of miles,
millions of tears,
and a few smiles,
I would have found something(one) new
to cry about.

Aw, don't get mad at him, guys. The last time I complained about how things were going with Kevin, a couple of you offered to send him nasty e-mail on my behalf. I'm becoming more and more convinced these days that much of my misery is self-inflicted. I've got to figure out how to break my bad habits...

I bite my nails too.

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I’m feeling…

I'm feeling better.

Partly that's because I just got home from dancing, and the adrenalin is still coursing through my system. I should go to bed before I start feeling exhausted and ill.

The other part is just 'cause I appear to be climbing out of the funk I've been in for the past few weeks. Which is a relief, let me tell you! I handed revised copies of my thesis to my readers and the librarian today -- hopefully they'll soon tell me that they're happy to sign off on it. The signed version is due Friday. After that I just need to finish and revise a paper, and write another one (for major school commitments. There are lots of minor ones :-).

In other news, Heather lost her job. Meep! Hopefully her web pages won't go down. If you know a company looking for a way smart chick who can write and is interested in picking up more technical skills, drop me a note. (Oh, I mean a company in the Bay Area. No stealing her away...)

Hmm...I feel like I ought to write more (probably because I've been neglecting y'all for so long), but I can't think what to say. Maybe I'd best just go to sleep.

Hope your week has started well...talk to you soon.

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Added a recording of me…

Added a recording of me singing a few verses of "If I Could" to the 1997 poems, removed "And If" from 1998 (will try re-recording, since it doesn't seem to ftp properly as is), added "Evensong" from 1995, confirmed that "Even Arthur" from 1994 appears to be complete, if file size is anything to go by.

*sigh* Tested a few on Ian's computer. While "Do You Know" from 1997 appears to be fine, "If I Could" totally bombed. Guess you don't get to hear me sing yet. I'm sure you're relieved. :-) Got to go do some real work, but I'll try to get back to these later.

Plan for today; hit World Ground cafe for an hour or so; come back and help a student with a paper; do more work in the evening; call Kevin. Nothing too exciting. :-) Hope y'all are having a pleasant weekend.

Oh, almost forgot to recommend to you a site that Jim sent me:

Zen Stories -- I think I'm going to bookmark it and keep dipping back into it when necessary. My favorite so far is "Empty Your Cup".

11:30 p.m. I've gotten very off my normal schedule -- I find it a little hard to believe that I'm still writing this late at night. Just finished revising "Leek Soup" for MZB's Sword and Sorcery series -- wish me luck! She has a very fast turnaround time, so if I mail it off tomorrow, I should hear back soon.

I'm still awake, so I'm going to try to do some revisions on "Deep with Sea" as well (which my teacher has talked me into including in my thesis). I think I'll be sending it off to Realms of Fantasy next. And in between, I've written a poem. Have a good week, everyone. Enjoy the budding spring. Our roses are going crazy, the chives have doubled in size, the red poppies are lovely, and the alyssum has started to sprout. The garden is full of ladybugs (on Jennifer's advice, to eat pests that were munching my basil. Thanks again, Jennifer!)

***

And You

I am finding it hard
writing poetry
these days.

Often I take small refuge
in formalism,
in pattern.

When I think of you,
of us,
I'm dizzy.

I am puzzles and confusion,
and you
are poetry.

There are so many choices
and so
few words.

***

1:05 a.m. and I have revised and printed "Deep with Sea". I actually made fairly minor changes, as while some of the suggested changes would probably make the story more gripping (such as more dialogue/scenes at the beginning, which I know is rather slow), I think they would interfere with the style. Or maybe that's just me being too protective of my words. Whichever -- out it goes tomorrow into the world and the tender hands of Shawna McCarthy at Realms of Fantasy. Think good thoughts about my baby...

I really ought to go to sleep now.

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Jim tells me that “And…

Jim tells me that "And if" got cut off halfway through, meep. Hopefully that's a simple ftp problem and not a recording problem. I'll try to send it over again tonight before I go to bed.

Gods, I'm tired. It's 10:20, and I just got home from a marathon shopping session. One of my friends, Thida, decided that she needed to look more professional for work, and since she claims that she can't match anything, I became fashion consultant. It *was* fun deciding to spend hundreds of dollars of someone else's money (okay, advising her to spend it), and dressing her up like a lovely Thida-doll. It's interesting dressing her, because although she's not much taller than me (some), her figure is pretty much entirely different, and so I ended up choosing clothes for her that I would never wear. She looks great in those teensy skin-tight tops that are all the rage now, for example, whereas flowy things generally work better for me. Anyway, it was fun and tiring. When we finished shopping, I made her a list of what went with what, and then she took me out to dinner (with Doug) at Tropix, a really excellent Caribbean restaurant on Piedmont (near MacArthur). They've got this sweet/spicy sauce for the cornbread that was just killer.

We also talked for hours. I haven't talked to her in too long.

Let's see -- what else should I update y'all on? Oh, there's the capsizing, right.

So yesterday we finally had the capsize class. I'd been looking forward to it, mostly because I was a little nervous and wanted to get past that. Well, I'm not nervous anymore, but I *am* frustrated. So, we went out alone in these little boats, Sunfishes. Very cute. And when we'd gotten out a goodly way from the dock (in Lake Merritt, very safe), we tipped our boats over. This took a little work, since it wasn't very windy, but I didn't have much trouble here. This was my favorite part, as it turned out; the boat went over pretty slowly, and it wasn't scary at all, and since it was a hot day, it was kind of nice being dumped into the water. I do wish I'd kept my mouth closed as I swallowed some very salty and rather gross lake water.

Okay, so the next thing you're supposed to do is swim around quick to the bottom of the boat (now lying on its side), turn it so the bow is facing into the wind (which I forgot to do, but I think it was pretty irrelevent as it turned out), and then grab hold of the centerboard. Depending on how strong/big you are, you have a couple of options at this point, but given my size, it was pretty clear that I was going to have to go with the hang on the end of the centerboard and rock method, as opposed to the pull yourself up onto it and jump method. Which went okay at first -- with a few tugs, the boat started rising. Amazing. But then I made the mistake of pausing for just a sec...and it sank again. Further. And it got heavier (as water filled the sail). And the time that followed, as I exhausted my arms and lungs trying to right the damned thing was tremendously unpleasant. I wasn't in any danger, of course, with my life preserver and a teacher standing by (one who eventually came out and helped, though only as much as she had to, thank the gods for small blessings), but it was incredibly tiring, and perhaps the most frustrating experience I've been through in a long time. I *hate* not being able to do things. It turned out later that there was a hole in my mast, so the metal mast had *also* filled with water, but that was really small comfort. If I'd been a little faster, a little stronger, hadn't paused at that crucial second...dammit.

Okay, I know this matters basically naught in the grand scheme of things, and as the teacher said, it's good to know your limitations -- but dammit, I don't want to admit that I *have* limitations. (and yes, David, I can just see the gears turning in your head and I'm sure you're not surprised...psychoanalyze me later, please, dear. :-) Okay, deep breath. Not a big deal. Not a Big Deal.

More sit-ups. More push-ups. It is certainly within my power to get strong enough to right a small boat. Maybe this summer I can convince David to come out with me on the water and let me try this again.

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I can’t explain to you…

I can't explain to you why I felt the need to tape some of my poems for you guys tonight (or why I stayed up hours to do it). If you have a chance to check out "Even Arthur Would Forgive" in 1994 and "Do You Know" in 1997 and "and if, in some strange country" in 1998, I would appreciate it. I'm not going to bring over the others until I know these are working.

I was going to write a big long post in response to Heather's last journal entry but I'm too tired and it's 12:10 a.m. and I'm going to sleep.

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Still frantically busy,…

Still frantically busy, my dears. Sorry! The good news is that Heather has started keeping an on-line journal. Why am I telling you this? Because not only is she a good writer (of course she's a good writer, why else would I buy her story, eh?), but she will probably be at least occasionally mentioning me in her journals, and things we're doing, so it may be interesting for you to get events from her perspective as well as mine. Or rather than mine, these days, since I'm so swamped.

Almost done putting Maiden Voyage together, huzzah! And it looks like the stressful academic stuff may work out. Maybe. We'll see.

Good recent reads: Joanna Russ's _Picnic on Paradise_ and _And Chaos Died_. Fascinating writing style, short, really twisted way of looking at the world. Been quite a relief for me. Good recent movie watching: Impromptu (which Jed recommended and I *had* it turned out seen before but it was well worth watching again; the scandalous life of George Sand and Chopin and Liszt (sp?) and others) and Kama Sutra (which David tells me he didn't like when he watched it, but I think he missed the point. I think he was watching it as a conventional movie, when in fact you have to watch it as a dark fairy tale instead, with princesses and servant girls and wicked kings and lots of beautiful Indian women and lots of amazingly hot scenes. You might even want to turn the sound off for most of it. :-)

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