Capacity

Thinking about capacity. For a lot of my young adulthood, I was working at maybe 60% of capacity, and it was easy (Kev and I watched four hours of tv a night), but also soul-crushing on some level, knowing that I was squandering my gifts.

Grad school helped. In my Ph.D. program, I was working at close to 100% of capacity work-wise, which was great, but I also had almost nothing else going on — no children, low community service, low romantic relationships, etc. Relatively easy to manage (though also often feeling sad).

When I was campaigning, I felt so energized, because I was at something like 105% of capacity, which was pretty thrilling. All my social / service needs were being thoroughly met. But also exhausting, and I wasn’t getting much writing done either.

The trick now is figuring out how to keep writing at something like 90% of capacity while maintaining the rest of my life at a good level — and also getting sufficient leisure that I don’t explode or turn into a melted puddle of goo.

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. having figured out a bunch of characterization things in my sleep, then read crit comments from a friend that should help me drastically improve an essay I’m working on. It feels great, my heart is thumping, my brain is fizzing, but my body is also still tired. (I’m going to chill out in bed with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy before I get up and dive into revisions.)

Fun times.

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