I’m trying to write…

I'm trying to write something new for the Kalakranti (queer S. Asian) show this afternoon, but I keep stalling out because of the audience. See, if I were going to write something about being bi today, it'd mostly be about having kids and looking straight and living in the suburbs and almost entirely not having sex. Which is all fine, but the local branch of Trikone is mostly 20-40-something gay men from the city. I'm not sure how well they can relate.

Also, Kareem (our adorable host) said while think-y is good, sexy and think-y is even better, which, sure, I agree with. But see previous on lack of sex in my life currently, which makes it kind of hard to write sexy. Also, he'd like it to be performative if possible, which I totally understand, given that hearing a dozen people stand up and read from pieces of paper, even if they're reading good stuff, can get a little dull. But I'm not really qualified to sing in public or act or anything like that. And when I say not qualified, I mean the thought of doing it scares me spitless. Also, my ability to carry a tune is sadly erratic.

It's all enough to make me want to cancel and stay home. But he's had one performer cancel already, and I know there are others who didn't want to perform because it's too public a coming out thing, so I think there's a real political value to my being there, even in my almost-40, straight-appearing, suburb-living, no-sex body. Maybe especially. But still. Writing block, performance anxiety. Pfui.

I have until 3:30 to come up with something.

Also, I have nothing to wear, my face is a mess of zits, and I haven't exercised in a week, so I feel like a total schlub. If the show is filled with pretty gay hardbodies, I may cry.