these days i am grown…

these days
i am grown more cautious

wearing seat belts
for the sake of my daughter

putting away the pie
after a single slice
for the sake of my health

i've lost
the heedless
why not?
that led me

up a mountaintop
with a stranger
on his motorbike

   or into a threesome

   or into love

my life has turned solid, stable
(conventional)
it is comforting to know
in the morning
whose bed you will sleep in
at night

but

when staying with an old friend
i hesitate
to flirt
afraid she might take it
the wrong way
(why would it be wrong?)

i hesitate
before waking my partner
for sex while the baby sleeps
afraid he will be too tired

i even hesitate
to tell a new friend
i miss you
afraid she won't say it back
afraid i am assuming too much

what the hell am i so afraid of
these days?

5 thoughts on “these days i am grown…”

  1. I’ve been aware of some of the same, with different reasons. New job, new city, new people, with a wariness that crosses over into other parts of my life. Any recommendations of things to do in Hartford?

  2. We can’t all be brave all the time.

    I’m learning that it’s ok to rest in between the huge risks that we are constantly required to take as artists, as lovers, as conscious humans.

    I’m also learning to trust that I will know when I’m ready to leap again.

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