[formerly private…

[formerly private entry]

Baby's still there. One of you wrote in and said if it would make me feel better, I should just take another test, so I did, and I am, and I do feel better. Sometimes it's easier to assuage the irrational fears than to fight them.

Definitely feeling better. I still wake up too early, and still wake up anxious, but I've gotten more sleep, and I don't feel as miserably tired. I think my cold is passing off too, which helps. Maybe in a few days I'll feel healthy again. Getting some work done yesterday -- reading a student's MFA thesis, talking to Anita about Rasaka stuff, churning through some e-mail, etc. all definitely helped.

There are good parts of pregnancy too. Last night, I was really wanting, for some unknown reason, roast meat and sweet potatoes. Kevin cooked me roasted pork loin with an incredible side dish of roasted squash, sweet potato, carrot, and crab apples, tossed with cayenne, five-spice, salt, butter, chives, and a bit of brown sugar. It was so exactly what I wanted, and I had two servings and didn't feel guilty at all about eating so much.

I feel like my relationship with food is changing. When I eat the precise thing I'm desiring -- which is often just cheerios and milk, or yogurt with brown sugar, or something else random -- I feel so happy. It's strange. Right now, I'm eating toast with nutella and banana, and it is incredibly tasty. I'd be worried that I'm eating too much already, but so far, the scale thinks I've actually lost two pounds in the last month, so I think I'm good. The books say it's okay to lose a little weight in the first trimester, which is reassuring. I'll ask my doctor more about that next week when we meet. I should start making a list of the questions I want to ask her.

Nilofer says that one of the strange things about pregnancy is how it makes you really aware of your body. I think when I normally have a cold, I mostly try to ignore the symptoms, distract myself and work through them. Now, every unusual feeling I get, I think about, I wonder if it's related to the baby somehow. I've never paid so much attention to my body before; very odd.


Two conversations with Kevin from last night, heavily paraphrased due to my poor memory:

Kev: What do you think about the amnio?

MA: I don't know. Nilofer says that if you do it in the big city, at a teaching hospital, the miscarriage rate is actually much lower than the stated average, which includes small town doctors who do the procedure rarely. So it's probably worth doing. Although it means it's going to be something like five months in before we know for certain, and it'll be strange to wait that long to tell our families.

Kev: But if it's Downs...

MA: I know. [We've already discussed this, and we're fairly certain that we would terminate if the amnio came back positive for Downs.]

Kev: I just don't know that we could handle a kid with Downs *and* a second kid.

MA (bewildered): What second kid? I thought you were sure that you only wanted us to have one kid if we did this. I agreed to that. You were absolutely adamant about it.

Kev (smiling): That doesn't mean I think I'll get what I want.

Hmm...I've always loved Karen's conversations with Par in her journal, but I think she's better than I am at representing how funny and touching that sort of conversation can be. You'll just have to trust that I was both amused and touched by his response. Maybe this one will come across better.
[We're watching tv, and a commercial for a new movie that's being released from the Disney vault comes on. For the sake of argument, let's say it's Aladdin.

Kev: I can tell you one thing, we're not going to go along with any of that Disney vault stuff.

MA: What? When your little girl asks you for Aladdin, you're not going to buy it for her?

Kev: Nope.

MA: 'But daddy, I love Jasmine.'

Kev: [shakes his head] Definitely not.

MA: 'But daddy, Princess Jasmine is my favorite. I love her soooo much! Pleeeeease?'

Kev: By the time they let the movie out of the vault, she'll have forgotten about it.

MA: When they put the ad on, you think she won't immediately remember?

Kev: We just won't let her watch tv.

MA: Oh, tv for mom and dad, but not for her?

Kev: Maybe no tv for mom either.

MA: Okay, now you're talking crazy talk. My entire plan for coping with child-rearing relies on a backbone of lots and lots and lots of tv.

Kev: Oh, really?

MA: Yup. TV and beatings, in alternation. That'll keep the kid under control...

I think it's a brilliant plan, personally. I don't know why he couldn't seem to stop laughing...

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