[formerly private…

[formerly private entry]

WARNING: Hugely whiny entry follows.

It's been a week since I updated, mostly because I haven't been doing so well. Still pregnant, I assume, since there's no signs of miscarriage, although one of my recent irrational fears is that I've somehow miscarried without noticing, and I'm not actually pregnant anymore, and all these symptoms I'm having are just the signs of a bad cold. I keep wanting to take extra pregnancy tests, just to make sure. So far, I've refrained.

I *have* had a bad cold this past week, as has Kevin. It's not good when both of us are sick. The dog still needs to be walked several times a day, regardless of how awful we feel, and if we're both sick, we can't pass the job off to the healthy one. Other than that, we've mostly let things fall apart around the house. I pulled a muscle in my back sneezing a few days ago, which makes it hard to bend over or lift things, and then I slept wrong somehow and did something to my tailbone, I have no idea how, which now twinges when I walk up stairs and at other times too.

My body is falling apart. I had three or four bad nights in a row last week, where I just wasn't sleeping. I'd wake up at 4 a.m. and be wide-awake and worried, so would just get up, feeling horrible, or wake at 2 a.m. and it'd take Kevin an hour to calm me back to a ragged sleep. I stumbled through my classes Thursday, feeling panicked. I managed to get through them, and I don't even think the students noticed, but I keep worrying that if I go on like this, I won't be able to keep up with class prep and grading, much less actually going in and teaching. The anxiety levels are spiking pretty good right now.

The last two days have been a bit better. I actually slept a fair bit both Saturday and Sunday nights, so at least at the moment, I feel rested. And Sunday I was feeling healthy enough to clean the downstairs and cook brunch for Mirna and her friends (who were visiting from out of town), which was very nice. The weather was unexpectedly lovely and summery, and we took our rice and curry up onto the roof deck and baked in the sun. Today's supposed to be a high of 80, so I want to try to spend at least some time outside. It's too bad my computer screen can't handle the glare of outdoor lighting, or I would just work outside all day.

We got the bills paid yesterday too, but other than that, there's still masses of work to catch up on. It's not that I haven't had time -- I've just been so exhausted and queasy and depressed that instead of working, I've been watching tv. Endless re-runs of Seinfield and Everybody Loves Raymond. I have work that *has* to get done, with deadlines (some of which have been already missed), and I just don't do it. And then I get even more stressed that this is going to go on, and get worse, that I'll continue to feel horrible and I won't be able to cope with my work, or my life, and even though Kevin is being a sweetheart, he can't do everything, especially when he's sick himself.

I had a good talk with Kirsten last night, which did reassure me somewhat. She said her first four months were the worst, and it definitely got better after that. We talked about some of the timing etc. issues too -- this may not have been the wisest time for Kev and me to get a dog, for example. I've been fretting that I'm not nearly as parental with the dog as Kevin is -- I don't want to play with her as much, or talk to her, or even take care of her. Kirsten says I shouldn't worry about that, and that dogs are not like babies much at all.

We also talked about some of the job stuff. Kevin recently got e-mailed about the possible opportunity of a great job overseas, which would have us moving next August, when baby is three months old. Kirsten thinks we shouldn't do it, that I'll need my support network then. I think she's probably right, but at the same time, I'm torn. I hate to make Kev turn down what could be a great job. I think he needs to find out more about the job before we can really decide.

I'm really worried that even if I find a job for myself for next year, I won't be able to cope with it and baby. And we do need me to work, if we're going to manage our mortgage; I need to make at least $20K next year, and closer to $40K would be much better. By the time I'm interviewing, I may be visibly pregnant. We'll see. :-(

And never mind writing. I'm not expecting to write much of anything for the first two years of baby's life, which is fine -- but only fine if I actually get a lot of writing done before May. I'd like to at least finish a draft of the nonfiction book. Which won't happen unless I start feeling less awful. :-(

Hopefully this week will be better. The pregnancy calendar tells me baby's inner ear has started forming, so maybe I try singing to baby. Singing usually lifts my spirits. And baby's heart started to beat last Friday. Baby growing.

If it's really still there.

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