[formerly private…

[formerly private entry]

Almost six weeks now. Six to go. The pregnancy calendar tells me the embryo has divided into three layers:

  • Outer layer: brain, nerves, skin
  • Middle layer: bones, muscles, blood vessels, heart, sex organs
  • Inner layer: stomach, liver, intestines, lungs, urinary tract
It's a bit unclear to me whether they're actually formed at this point, or whether they're just heading in that direction. I suspect they're in some kind of proto-form right now.

I went away to Wisconsin for the weekend with a few old friends; had a nice time, but was so very tired all the way through. I don't know whether this is the baby or just normal tiredness; I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Anxiety dreams, waking up early and often, etc. Yesterday, I pretty much collapsed after I got back from the drive; I can't remember doing much of anything after 3 or so. Today, I've been working steadily since 8, but I tire so easily. I get up, sweep a room, and need to sit down again and rest. I can do e-mail while resting, but still. It takes a long time to clean anything this way! It's almost 5 p.m., I've been cleaning intermittently, and I still have a load of dishes to do before even the downstairs is clean. Frustrating.

And what's weird is that while part of me hopes that it's just a random few nights not sleeping well, rather than part of the pregnancy, since that might mean it'll end sooner -- part of me wants it to be part of the pregnancy, I think just to have another visible sign. So goofy. I'm sure I'll have more than enough visible signs very soon.

Various of you -- Margot and Kirsten and Thida, I think -- have been telling me not to fret so much about miscarrying. Certainly it doesn't help any to fret, but I can't seem to help it. I think at this point all I can do is try to keep busy, grit my teeth, and wait for the end of the first trimester.

I'm having a hard time not telling people. There are several folks reading this right now, and I'll probably tell more people very soon. We'll wait for a public announcement until we're sure everything will be all right, but it's just not in my nature to keep things secret from my friends. Or from the world, I suppose. :-) I've gotten used to living my life transparently.

I'm already insanely impatient. On Myers-Briggs, I test ENT/FJ -- that last J category means that I like things to be decided. I test way at the extreme in that category, too -- I really really really hate uncertainty, and right now, the most important thing in my life is uncertain. It's driving me a little nuts.

I occasionally chant to the baby at night. Feel free to chant along with me.

Grow, baby, grow.

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