[formerly private…

[formerly private entry]

Took a second pregnancy test today -- positive again. And when I called the doctor, they told me that, in fact, the home pregnancy tests they sell at Walgreens are actually at least as reliable as the blood tests they do in the office. So I guess it's official -- I'm definitely pregnant. Oof.

Last night was not so much fun. Kevin woke me in the middle of the night, very upset. Nominally about our new dog, who we've just figured out probably has canine hip dysplasia, a disease which may cause her quite a bit of pain as she gets older. But in part upset about other things, I think. Much anxiety about baby and future, I'd imagine, along with a general frustration, which I also often share these days, that life rarely seems to hand you unadulterated good things. The big things, these days -- work and love and children and such -- seem to come with joy and pain intermingled. Was it like this when we were younger? I think maybe the joys weren't as deep, but there are days when I'd be tempted to give up deep joys for shallow, untainted ones. So I understand Kevin's anxiety, even if I don't tend to feel it in the same pervasive way. For me, feeling that anxious is a clear deviation from my normal, sanguine state. For one of a more melancholic constitution...well.

We're both happier today -- in fact, I'm been sliding more and more towards actual joy as the day went on. I found myself wanting to sing songs to the baby. Sie's all of three weeks old now, at most. The doctor told me I'd be due in late May, which seems just about perfect. I keep thinking that by Christmas, we should be safely out of the woods, and into the second trimester. It'd be a lovely Christmas present to give Kevin's folks; they want grandkids so badly, especially his mother. I'm a little more apprehensive about how my parents will take it, though I do think they'll probably come around in the end. We hope.

Kev and I started talking about names -- he started to say that it was too early, but I pointed out that even if it's too early to be sure that this one will stick around, there's a pretty good chance that we'll have this conversation eventually. Now that we know that I can get pregnant, even with the fibroids, I'm not nearly as worried about miscarriages -- if it happens, it'll be undoubtedly horrible, but the chances of success on the next pregnancy would go way up. So as long as we keep trying, we're moderately likely to end up with a baby. Hence the names.

It was a funny discussion. I started by saying that if the last name is going to be Whyte (which we'd already pretty much decided that we'd like it to be), then it'd be a bit tricky finding a South Asian name that goes with Whyte. At which point it became clear that Kev hadn't really anticipated a South Asian first name. To be fair, I don't think he'd thought about it much one way or the other, but he was definitely surprised that I felt fairly strong about the kid having a S. Asian first name -- and in fact, I'd like it to be a Tamil name. I think if you think about it, it's fairly obvious why I'd want that, why I think it'd be a good idea. But maybe not. Or maybe only to a brown person? I'm not sure.

Anyway, after talking about it a bit, we agreed that what might work best would be a name like Maya, which crosses cultures already. I'd rather choose a longer name, but ideally one that shortens easily. Just glancing at Tamil baby names, something like Saraniya seems like it might work, though I don't think I love it. Saraniya Whyte. Saraniya Ann Whyte. Saraniya Ann Jacintha Whyte. Is that too insanely long? Ann and Jacintha are our mothers' names, and it isn't any longer a name than my sisters or I have. Hmmm... Okay, now I feel like by saying an entire name out loud, I'm jinxing it. Better think about something else for a while. Time to go pet the puppy...

Physical note: My breasts feel slightly sore, and I was slightly queasy for about an hour this evening. Symptoms, or an overactive imagination? Who can tell?

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