I took some Benadryl, climbed into bed, and called David; talked for maybe twenty minutes, with this same weird cycling of periodic panic followed by utter normality. In one of the normal periods I got off the phone and managed to fall asleep, and thanks to the Benadryl, slept solidly the rest of the night. But this is no fun, and I don't want to take Benadryl every night. Especially since it might stop working.
I'm going to give this another week or so, see if it gets better, or improves when Kevin comes home on the 22nd. If it continues, I'm going to go see a doctor and try to figure out what's up. Particularly strange because it only seems to happen at night, when I'm thinking about going to bed. Can one develop a complex around falling asleep? I've never felt neurotic before, but I'm definitely feeling it now.
One of the problems with sleeping is that I have a hard time coming up with things to think about that aren't stressful. The book is stressful, since I still feel behind. The other book is stressful because I'm fretting about reviews. DesiLit's festival is stressful since there's so much to do and potentially a lot of money to deal with. The SLF is stressful because I'm behind on a bunch of projects.
David told me to try thinking about other things, like hobbies -- he thinks about baseball to fall asleep. But the problem is that I think I've gotten so goal-oriented in the last decade that I have no hobbies left. I'm so into the productivity that I've forgotten how to have hobbies. Even my crocheting -- I fret that if I don't get back to work on it soon, I won't finish the baby blanket I'm making while the baby is still a baby. Even when I think about taking up yoga or meditation or something like that, I get stressed, because I worry about how I'll find time to fit it into my day, and I worry that I won't be good at it.
You know that book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? I know how to be a highly effective person -- somehow I've figured that out in the last decade. What I don't know is how to be a relaxed highly effective person.