This is also the first…

This is also the first evening since Kevin left town that I haven't had company here and/or been utterly exhausted. Which means that I'm missing him, filling the space with reading, or, when reading gets too hard to concentrate on (I'm reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which is really good but many words in tiny print), with tv. But guess what came on? Good Will Hunting, of course, and now they're doing math on the blackboard and Will's being really smart and maybe a little emotionally stunted and I'm missing Kevin all over again. Oops, that didn't sound so good. How about I'm reminded of what Kevin was like when I met him, and while I don't miss some of that, it's part of who he is, and part of why I love him now, that he's gotten so much better in the last ten years. Just better and better and better.

And there's some stuff we've been talking about that I'm supposed to be thinking about, trying to be sensible and practical and wise -- and I just don't know. I don't know what's wise here, what's going to be wise in the future, and I'm not sure I can figure it out. And all I've figured out so far is that I want to be with him, and I want him to be here, and while he's coming back on Sunday, he's leaving again on Monday for two months in Zurich doing math, and that's just too long, dammit. How am I supposed to make a calm, sensible decision when my whole body and mind is full of just missing the hell out of him? Argh.

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