Big things happening here too, I think. I feel like I need to fill this entry with caveats, though, because if I just say what's happening, people will assume all sorts of things. Like, if I just say, "I'm moving to Chicago and moving in with Kevin" -- well, the general reaction to that has been along the lines of "Congratulations! When's the wedding?" So I'd like to forestall that response, 'cause it's not really appropriate.
Maybe a little congratulations would be okay -- 'cause I am pretty happy about this. But "good luck" is probably more appropriate, because to be honest, neither of us is so sure that this is the right thing to do. It feels like it might be *a* right thing. Perhaps. And given that I desperately want to be out of Salt Lake, that this will let me live rent-free for a while and focus on my exam reading (whereas the moving to California option would probably have involved me working really hard in order to manage rent and trying to squeeze in exam reading around that), that we miss each other, that we think we might maybe possibly have a chance at sorting some of our stuff out if we try living together again (which we haven't really done in six years or so) -- well, it seems like a worthwhile experiment. Worth a shot.
We've been waffling over this for a couple of weeks now, back and forth. We're moderately committed to going ahead with it now, which is why I'm telling y'all. But I wouldn't be so surprised if we called it off next week, or next month, or in six months. So don't you be surprised either, okay? I'm finding it odd how difficult it can be bearing the weight of other people's expectations about our relationship. For a while, David was saying that he was 'agnostic' about us -- that was oddly comforting, restful. We've got plenty of hopes and expectations for ourselves; it's tiring trying to fit in other peoples' plans too. Some of my friends really want to take any possible sign as an indication that we're now going to live happily ever after, joined at the hip. I know they mean well, and only want the best for me -- but their best is not necessarily my best, and it makes it just a little harder to think clearly about what my best would be.
With all the caveats in place, I do admit to being happy. It's been so nice, being with him again. I arrived Thursday night; we were both exhausted -- mostly just made pasta out of a package and went to bed, I think. Friday, Roshani came and got me; we went to Borders to work for a while, then over to her place to play with the baby. One of the nicest things about this move will be being close to her and her family again; Kevin lives a block from the subway stop, and she lives a few blocks away on the other end, so it'll be really easy hopping on and travelling back and forth to see each other. She also has a car; when we were done for the day, we popped Zoe in the carseat and Roshani ran me home. (Home. Oh, it'd be easy to get a little carried away with starting to think of this as home. I think I'd best stay a little agnostic myself for now, though, until I actually move here.)
In the evening, Kev and I walked several blocks to a restaurant, sort of a pan-Asian put-stuff-in-a-bowl-and-have-them-grill-it place; surprisingly good. Then we walked several more blocks downtown (he walks a lot more than I generally do; it'll be good for me) to see a play, Proof. It was a little silly in places, and slightly over-acted, but it was about U Chicago mathematicians, so I'd been wanting to see it for a while, and wasn't disappointed in that. It got some things wrong, but not too many.
Yesterday, we mostly just talked. There was some picking up Greek food for lunch, and making curry for dinner, and a fair bit of watching tv. But mostly talking. And today, he's sleeping still, and I'm going to make some rice and have some leftover curry for lunch, and then it's time to get ready and go to the airport. I won't see him for another month; the next month is full of packing and finishing papers and selling furniture and giving away books and clothes and missing him and seeing people who come to visit me and probably a fair bit of wondering if this is the right decision. Right now, it seems like it's at least worth a shot. Pretty soon, I'm going to go curl up in bed with him for a while longer. It's so nice, just being able to do that.