I wish I could figure…

I wish I could figure out a way to automate switching over from month to month of this journal. It's not the technical aspects that are the problem, really -- if I can just figure out the logic, I can probably get Jed to handle the technical stuff. And even with the streamlining he's already done, the simple mechanics of putting this up in three places (current, day-to-day, monthly) sometimes discourage me from writing. Not good. Something to look at in my copious free time.

Heh. Okay, it may not be copious, but I actually do have free time these days. That's 'cause I'm only half-employed, and I'm not sure I can afford it for very long, but I really needed the break, so I guess I'll just be paying those bills off a little slower than is ideal...

There are so many things I'd like to talk about. This whole last week I've been thinking I'd really like to discuss this event or that in detail in the journal, and there wasn't the time, and it was so frustrating. I'd write little journal entries in my head on BART. I want technology to move faster, dammit. I want to be able to subvocalize on public transit, and have my little embedded mini-recorder pick it up, and then I could just plug in when I got home and upload it to my account and into my journal. Heck, I even want a net connection in my head, though I don't think I'll be the first to volunteer for *that* surgery.

This would, of course, enable me to work absolutely all the time, driving me totally insane. Maybe it's just as well that I have enforced breaks.

***

Something's been weirding me out a little. You know that reading, Saturday? Some of you may have read Heather's description of it, where she talked about how disgusting she found parts of it. And what's weirding me out is not so much that I didn't find any of it disgusting, or even that I really liked some of the stories she found most distressing. No, what weirds me out is that I'm not sure I can think of *anything* I'd consider really disgusting in text.

There are things I can't watch on screen -- that's too immediate, too real. I think I mentioned that while I thought the recent movie of Lolita was really good, it was also really hard to watch. And I can't watch horror movies at all -- even really stupid ones like Child's Play (the last one I saw) give me nightmares. After Nightmare on Elm Street 2, which has a scene where Freddy's hands come up through the girl's bed and slice down into her, I slept on the floor of the living room for a few days.

There's even mild stuff I have trouble with on tv -- public humiliation is the big one. In a lot of sitcoms, there are moments when someone is really embarrassed. And sure, it's often funny -- but it's also physically hard for me to watch. I usually close my eyes if I see it coming.

But I can read *anything*. I don't choose to read horror much, but it doesn't give me the shivers when I do...or not unbearably. And it doesn't seem to matter whether I'm reading something on the page or hearing it read out loud. Even practices that I seriously object to, like pedophilia -- I can read about them without distress.

Of course, on the other hand, if the people involved are distressed -- if a child is crying, for example, I'll probably be sobbing right along. Or wanting to. Even in situations which I personally wouldn't find distressing -- if the character is distressed, that's what matters.

Oof. I'm not sure what all this says, if anything. Perhaps it's just rambling to no purpose. But it all strikes me as rather weird.

***

(On a totally different note, if you *must* eat a frozen dinner, Lean Cuisine does a chicken, broccoli and stuffing dish that's really pretty decent. I'm eating it now. (Have I mentioned that 'broccoli' was the word I misspelled in the Catholic national spelling bee in eight grade? I took third place, but I still have a secret desire to contest the decision. Don't you think 'broccoli' should have two l's? It just makes sense. 'olli'. 'Broccolli'...okay, I know, it looks wrong, and it is wrong, but I propose an alternate spelling with the double l, and another chance at that title...))

***

Columbine and Amy have been writing excellent personal entries lately about their love/sex lives. And I admit to some frustration that Kevin is such a private person. I suppose I don't really want to write about my sex life much -- it's not unusual enough that I think it'd be interesting. Except maybe the bit with the sign language. But there are definitely times when I would love to vent more about my love life. But it doesn't seem fair to him.

Suffice it to say that Kevin and I are very different people, and there are days when I despair of our finding a way past those differences, though we both have the best will in the world for the task. I suppose I'm still glad I'm not bored, though. I'll see him in mid-April. That'll help.

I've been feeling totally touch-starved lately. I'm not sure why...I'm normally pretty touchy, but this has been much more intense than usual. I was riding BART and just wanted desperately to simply lean on the guy next to me, who seemed like a nice guy and not scary. Or rub the soft hair on the neck of the man across the aisle. I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing right now (aside from being with Kev, okay, and being on the moon, and etc. and so on unlikely things) than simply being held for an extremely long time. Or holding someone. Just in physical contact. For hours.

In actual fact, I'd probably get fidgety pretty darn quick, 'cause I get really fidgety, but I have never before *fantasized* so much about physical contact. Very weird.

***

Have I mentioned that I love asterisk dividers? They enable me to be totally lazy about transitions. (We don't need no stinkin' transitions!)

***

I finished my Kaplan training tonight. Yippee! It's totally unclear when/if I'll get teaching. Very up in the air. I can't bring myself to care tonight -- I'm just glad to be done with training. (The training itself was fine...the late nights after full days working sucked big dry rocks.)

***

I forgot to mention in my summary yesterday that David and Jed had birthdays on Sunday! That's what I did Sunday night -- went to dinner at The Blue Nile (Ethiopian) with Jed, Arthur, Beth, Ananda and Rob (last two friends of their I don't know so well). I agree with Beth -- the injera at the Blue Nile isn't sour enough. But dinner was still very yummy, and we went to Au Coquelet Cafe afterwards for totally decadent desserts. I had white hot chocolate *and* kahlua cheesecake. It's a good thing Arthur didn't order anything, because I desperately needed his help to finish my dessert -- though we all shared, really. Very pleasant evening. I got Jed a copy of a book he had and didn't like (sigh), and a book he didn't have and really wanted (huzzah!) He's difficult to buy for, he says, so I suppose I should consider myself lucky. :-)

I had already given David his present, but he hasn't bothered to tell me yet whether he's enjoying it. Hmph.

***

That's all for tonight, I think. Upcoming topics: "Imagine Me" poem, the ongoing job hunt, the new Clean Sheets issue, of course, and assorted randomness. :-)

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